When I attempt to insert myself in my kids’ squabbles, it never works out. Either one of them feels like I’m on the other person’s “side” or they team up against me and say “it’s not a big deal Mom!” As someone who grew up mostly as an only child (long story), I do not have a template for what is typical sibling conflict, when I should worry, and what to exactly do when it’s time to get involved.

What makes this conversation particularly valuable is how it reframes sibling relationships not just as a daily challenge to manage, but as a profound opportunity to cultivate connections that can buffer life’s difficulties, enhance happiness, and even extend lifespan. Whether you’re raising siblings who seem locked in constant battle or simply want to nurture stronger bonds between your children, this interview offers both the science and practical strategies to help your family thrive.

When Should We Worry?

Emily: After reading your book, I don’t think that the point is to coach parents to respond so that their kids never have any conflict again. So, how would you distinguish between regular, non-concerning sibling conflict versus that which should set off alarms when we do need to pay more attention and make some changes?

Jonathan: Sibling punching and fighting, pushing — when one is trying to harm the other one and is engaging in violent or abusive behavior — is not only highly problematic, but it’s also really prevalent. When we watch kids fighting with each other, we have to pay attention that it’s not getting into the intent to harm, because that’s when it becomes violent or abusive.

Normally this question comes up around wrestling. And there’s reasons why it’s also developmentally expected that boys specifically are going to wrestle. It’s part of their play. But often it crosses the line into I’m trying to harm my brother or sister. And when it does, that’s when parents need to intervene. Before then, parents don’t. Also there needs to be rules and that needs to be talked about and put on the table. Like, it’s okay if you guys wrestle and you’re having fun. But the minute one of you is starting to think that the other one is trying to hurt you then you stop because we don’t want people to be victimized in our own house. Our job as parents is to keep them safe.

Emily: Let’s talk about the idea of sibling bullies. We don’t usually apply that concept to sibling relationships, but it actually is a phenomenon that is quite concerning because it does lead to pretty bad outcomes.

Jonathan: It’s a very deceiving kind of thing, and most parents don’t believe it when their kids go and say my brother’s bullying me or is bossing me around or being mean to me. They often dismiss it as kind of normal but if it’s creating that kind of an environment, you see other problems too; it shows up as academic problems, peer problems, anxiety, depression, and so on.

I would recommend for everybody who’s listening [reading] that if a child says to you, My brother or sister hurt or is trying to hurt me and not just physically but verbally too, that you take it seriously.

Emily: What should parents look out for? There’s the typical rough and tumble and younger kids who will act out physically with a punch or a kick. What should parents be looking for with bullying behavior? What would they potentially observe beyond their child coming to them saying, my sibling’s trying to hurt me?

Jonathan: Yeah, so the first thing that you just said is I would recommend for everybody that you have a no violence rule in your house, which means you starting very very young. Even when the child is two or three, there’s no pushing or punching. There’s no name calling. There’s no trying to insult because verbal abuse is very detrimental as well.

And when siblings are calling each other bad names, you know, fat, ugly, stupid, so on, they really stay in people’s brains for a very long time. None of that should be permitted. Any verbal or physical attempt to hurt another person. Your home should be safe and that should start very, very early because what we know about aggressive behavior is that it escalates. It starts with name calling and then it turns to shoving and then it turns to punching so the earlier you catch it, the better off you are.

The other thing related to bullying is that sometimes we see it. We see kids punching and shoving and hitting each other and calling each other names. And sometimes it shows up in ways that are less visible. Because it may happen outside the parent’s awareness.

And so, in that case, you know, maybe the biggest clue is if one child is afraid or is really doing everything they can to avoid being in the presence of a brother or sister. This shows up particularly for kids who are coming home from school and there’s no parents in the house, that they’re alone with their siblings. If they’re finding reasons not to go home, like they want to stay at school later, which is strange for most kids or they’re always trying to go to a friend’s house. You see them using avoidance behavior, you [should] pay attention.

What’s Normal?

Emily:  Now in terms of normal sibling conflict, what is that? You share that according to the research, most conflicts are due to shared living environment and not competition for parents’ attention. What is normal?

Jonathan:  So if you put two people in a room together, whether it’s kids or adults, romantic couples, roommates in college, they’re going to run into areas of disagreement and they’re going to run into conflict. And you just expect that that’s part of life, sometimes you’re going to disagree on how things go down. And so teaching kids early how to manage conflict in a productive way is important because it’s not just for their siblings, it’s for all relationships in life.

And it is true that a lot of kids will fight with each other over parental attention and investment. Some argue that’s how we’re wired. But a lot of it is just day to day. We’re in the same room, you have a toy, I want to play with the same toy, and now we’re fighting with each other, or I want to sit in the front seat of the car, no, I want to sit in the front, and that’s not necessarily competing for parents favor or attention, it’s just, I want it my way, and you’re in my way.

That you would expect to see. I think that’s normal. What is not normal is when conflict is ongoing, and it’s disrupting the whole family and you just can’t go anywhere without bickering, bickering, bickering, because that’s no longer about shared space. There’s something else going on.

And usually it’s [that] somebody is getting rewarded for that behavior, right? So they’re initiating this negative behavior, this problem behavior because either the parent is coming to their side, or they’re feeling powerful, or they’re getting things their way ultimately, and that’s when the conflict becomes abnormal.

Emily:  So part of it, and I think this is helpful for listeners [readers] to wrap their heads around, are the features of the conflict. The features define when parents should start to be concerned and be motivated to take some action for change. And one of those features is the frequency – how much is it dominating family life and getting in the way of a more harmonious coexistence as a family?

Jonathan:  Yeah, frequency and severity. I would include that too, but absolutely. I mean, if you’re annoyed that you can’t go anywhere without the kids messing it up, that’s a problem, right? Because you want to have a nice, peaceful, happy household. And it’s not that we just want kids not to fight. We also want them to be good friends and buddies and lifelong.

Lifelong Benefits of Positive Sibling Relationships

Emily:  Right, and that’s the whole purpose of this. It’s actually not just about our day to day. It’s about the long-term relationships that our children are developing with each other, starting under our watch. So, say a little more, because I think this is a good motivator for parents also to be like, this is what I want for my children as adults. What does the research say about those adulthood sibling relationships and how they’re important?

Jonathan:  Oh yeah, this is my favorite subject. The benefits of having close relationships are so important across the lifespan in ways that people often underestimate. I write a lot and I talk a lot about sibling violence but this [part] is the upside of it, not the dark side. I’ve never really met parents who are like, I don’t want my kids to be friends. Everybody wants their kids to be best friends and buddies. It makes us so happy when we see them in a moment where they’re laughing together or they’re close.

So some of the research is really compelling and surprising. For example, kids who have good relationships with their brothers and sisters not only have better relationships with peers, but if they are experiencing poor peer relationships and isolation and even being bullied at school, having a good sibling relationship can buffer the negative effects. In other words, the anxiety and depression and things that come along with being bullied and isolated are either much less or almost zero.

This buffering effect you see across lots of things, for example, in families of divorce. Children often fall behind for a brief period of time. They end up doing a little worse in school and worse in relationships. They experience more psychological disruption unless they have a really close relationship with a sibling. So for therapists, when we’re working with divorced families, we’ll focus on how do you cope with your parents not being together and what’s your emotional experience and so on.

But if we work on building a positive sibling relationship, that may actually be more powerful in the long run for not only getting through the divorce, but setting them up for a life of support and companionship.

You see people in their middle age, they have better relationships with their spouses when they have good relationships with siblings. They report being happier. They’re actually more successful in many other ways because happy people tend to make more money because they get promoted more. You know, people think that money buys happiness. It’s actually the other way around.

There’s research that shows that a good relationship with a sibling increases lifespan and happiness at the end of the life course, because when you don’t have your parents around anymore, and a lot of your friends have died off, having a sibling provides a lot of support.

There are so many super positive things to good relationships with your siblings that are important. So we don’t want to say to our kids stay away from each other because that only builds more distance.

We want to stop the fight but also help them build more closeness.

Emily:  Yeah, I love that. It’s not just about harm reduction or focusing on the negative and what to decrease, but what are we actually trying to cultivate in our children when we have the influence to do so? We have this opportunity in this window of time that they’re living in the same house with us. But that’s actually a minority of their lifespan. It’s a small chunk, but a very formative period as well. I love framing this as a huge opportunity. Thanks so much, Jonathan!

We cover much more in the rest of the interview: sources of sibling conflict (e.g., perceived favoritism, conflict between co-parents), strategies to diffuse conflict and increase connection, and how parents may bring their own childhood experiences into their children’s sibling relationships. Look for the whole episode on 4/23!

What are your biggest challenges in raising siblings and what strategies have you discovered helps make a more harmonious home?

In the Media

I got as close as I’ll probably get to my bucket list goal of writing for The Atlantic when I was recently interviewed for this fascinating Atlantic article by Gail Cornwall, Quaker Parents Were Ahead of Their Time. Sorry for the paywall! But as you can guess, I spoke to the benefits of supporting children’s autonomy. Gail grew up Quaker and as a parenting writer, she makes some enlightening connections between Quakerism and healthy parenting approaches.

My long-time followers may remember that I penned a weekly/bi-weekly parenting advice column for Parents.com, Ask Your Mom, for three years. Well, they’re bringing it back! This updated version will rotate among experts, but I got to write the first installment: Ask Emily: How Do I Get My Kids to Play Outside? I have so much fun writing these and you can check out some older (but evergreen) questions featured below the article.

I also had the pleasure of talking with Deb Flashenberg of the Yoga Birth Babies podcast about my favorite subject: Is Our Current Parenting Culture Helping or Hurting Parents and Kids? (I bet you know my answer.) This is one of those conversations that felt energizing, symbiotic, and over in a flash!

Are you buckling up for the Olympics of Parenting: May? April feels like the warm-up with spring sports schedules exploding our calendars. Remember, everything is temporary. Oh, but then it’s summer, which is the ultimate season of chaos! Well, we’re all in it together, right?

In parenting solidarity,

Emily