Child Psych Podcast Episode #113
[Tammy Schamuhn] Hello everyone, and welcome to the Child Psych Podcast. My name is Tammy Schamuhn, and I’m a registered Child Psychologist. I’m the co-founder of the Institute of Child Psychology, and I’m also a mom to three amazing kids. Today, we are thrilled to have Mena Suvari join us on our podcast. This episode will focus on her vulnerability and her inspiring work on her journey of healing from trauma. We are ecstatic that she is willing to open up and share her experiences. Our hope is that trauma survivors listening to this podcast will relate to her story and find comfort in her journey of personal growth and parenting. Thank you so much, Mena, for being here with us.
[Mena Suvari] Thank you for having me. I’m very happy to be here.
[Tammy] Thank you so much. Most of you already know who Mena Suvari is. She is an American actress, producer, fashion designer, and model. Her accolades include a Screen Actors Guild Award and a Primetime Emmy nomination. After beginning her career as a model and guest-starring on several television shows, Suvari made her film debut in 1997 with the drama Nowhere. She rose to international prominence with her role as Angela in the critically acclaimed comedy-drama American Beauty, for which she received a BAFTA nomination for Best Supporting Actress. She is also well-known for portraying Heather in the American Pie films, a role that many of my family members recognize her for, along with American Beauty. Suvari has been a model for Lancôme Cosmetics and has appeared in print ads for Lancôme Paris Adaptive. She is also a longtime supporter and activist for the Starlight Children’s Foundation and the African Medical Research Foundation. She is married with one child and is the author of the memoir A Great Piece of Memoir, which I had the pleasure of reading this weekend. Today, we’ll be talking about your personal journey — the challenges you’ve faced and the growth you’ve experienced as a human being, all of which have brought you to this point.
[Mena] Thank you.
[Tammy] I’m going to show everyone the book for those who may be watching. This book is especially impactful in the first five or six chapters. As a trauma therapist working with children who have endured significant adversity, I found your vulnerability and the way you expressed yourself through poetry and journal entries to be incredibly moving and authentic.
[Mena] Thank you, thank you. What people may not know is how this journey actually came about. When I started writing, it ended up being, long story short, about two books’ worth of content. I then had to condense it into a memoir format, which required me to work with many moments in time and memories, restructuring them to fit within that framework. It was definitely challenging to write within those constraints and still communicate everything I wanted to share. The process really came about unexpectedly. I was moving at the time and came across my old diary, along with a binder of short stories and poems I had titled The Great Peace when I was a teenager. It was a pivotal moment for me — I felt this urge to approach it again and turn it into something more. That’s how the idea for the book was born. I never planned to write a book; it was simply an effort to heal by telling my story. Interestingly, after I finished writing it, I found out I was pregnant. I feel like there’s something so mysterious and profound about that timing — almost symbolic. It felt like a process of letting go of the things that no longer served me. Writing the book became a way for me to move past a blockage of fear and embrace growth.
Overcoming Adversity: A Journey of Healing and Self-Discovery
[Tammy] Beautiful — that’s a powerful reframe. If you don’t mind, I’d love to talk a bit about your beginnings. I think people often see someone who has risen to stardom and achieved great success in their career, but the path to that success is often paved with adversity. It’s rarely the ideal or picturesque journey one would hope for a child entering Hollywood and starting her career. And this included, you know, a sexual assault at 12 years of age, and we can go into that as much or as little as you want. It came with, as far as I can tell, an overwhelming amount of objectification and victimization as a young, vulnerable teenager entering Hollywood under the influence of managers and photographers. It’s disgusting, honestly. I’m sorry to use that word, but it’s the only one that fits. In your early 20s, you found yourself in relationships where you were trying to heal, only to experience victimization all over again. Despite that, you continued to push forward, striving for healing and working toward your individuation as a human being — a journey I believe you navigated remarkably well. But, as is often the case for those of us who have endured significant adversity, it required a lot of stumbling and confronting pain along the way.
[Mena] I think that, for what I can safely say, my great-grandparents went through a lot. My grandmother went through a lot as well. She was one of four daughters and the first generation in the U.S. from Greece. That was my mother’s mom, and there was a lot of trauma—generational trauma. The older I’ve gotten, especially after becoming a mom, I’ve gained a deeper understanding of the unfortunate inability my mom had to address certain things. It wasn’t her fault; it’s just the environment she came from. That upbringing shaped my own circumstances, which meant I had to learn many lessons on my own. As a parent now, it’s hard for me to imagine the challenges she faced. It’s impossible for me to think of being in her situation. For me, a lot of it stemmed from people being unaware and unable to approach me in the way I needed. I was the youngest of four, the only girl in the family, and I’m also a very sensitive person. There were things I needed emotionally that I just didn’t receive. There wasn’t enough time, attention, or care given to me in that way, and I think that lack of emotional support was the biggest challenge. That deficiency led to repeated patterns in my life, where I kept stumbling and learning the hard way. I felt very alone in that process. It made me constantly compare myself to others because I didn’t know any better. It’s not something that gets resolved overnight or even through writing a book. These are issues I still deal with every day—wondering if I’m good enough, questioning whether I can handle a situation properly. Without a positive influence or role model to look up to, I didn’t have the guidance I needed. Those lifelong effects are only now being widely discussed. I was born in 1979 and grew up as a child of the ’80s, when the norm was: “We’ll see you at the end of the day.” That was the way things were back then.
[Tammy] Yeah, you talk about in your book, especially in the beginning, being alone and unsupervised, with the adults absent from anything you were engaged in. This left you feeling really alone and invisible, seeking love in potentially unhealthy ways because you didn’t want to be alone anymore—you wanted to feel visible.
[Mena] Yeah, I mean, it was a lot of things. I was reading earlier, and there were some issues with my schooling because it eventually turned into a situation where they didn’t really know what to do with me. So, they would put me in the library with books. It was as if they were just trying to figure out where to place me. Looking back now as a parent, I think my family might not have had the resources, knowledge, or tools to steer me in a better direction. I know that my mom had mentioned at times that people suggested putting me in Mensa when I was younger. However, she felt that she didn’t want me to be seen as a “freak.” That perspective was something I struggled to process as I got older. It left me feeling upset because I believed that being part of a like-minded group or community could have protected me from some of the toxic situations I later experienced. But again, I don’t think my parents had that perspective, nor did anyone else really advocate for it. As a result, I feel that kids like me often get lost in the mix.
[Tammy] Yeah, you had said in your book, I felt pressure to fit into a box that I couldn’t squeeze into.
[Mena] Well, that’s true. I was the youngest of four and the only girl. I’m an Aquarian, so I’ve always had a mind drawn to unusual things, adventure, and curiosity. I think that’s what I mean about the sensitive aspect of it — I don’t think it was fully acknowledged in that sense. The positive side of all this is that, indirectly, it gives us the opportunity to grow and become better. That’s something I always keep in mind with my son. I make a conscious effort to be sensitive to the areas where I felt that kind of support was missing for me.
[Tammy] Absolutely. If you’re comfortable with it, I’d like to touch on the experience you had when you were 12, as I believe it may be the second key turning point in your journey. The first was feeling isolated due to being different from everyone else, struggling to find a sense of belonging, and sometimes feeling unseen within your own family. But then this incident happened, where, at just 12 years old, you were seeking love and acceptance in the wrong place — with a 16-year-old boy.
[Mena] Yeah, well, part of what’s important is that we moved right before I started middle school. We relocated from Rhode Island to South Carolina, so I was seen as a “Yankee.” I was also entering an all-girls school, which was a completely new experience for me. Many of the other girls had already known each other from elementary school or earlier, so I was stepping into a completely unfamiliar environment. I remember when we lived in downtown Charleston, we stayed in a guest house. There was a single mom who lived in the front with her daughter, who was close to my age. Looking back, it’s taken me my whole life to reflect on moments like that and make connections. I’ve realized that I was so conditioned to think that what I was experiencing was normal. But I remember being fascinated by the relationship the mother and daughter had. I wanted that kind of connection so badly, even though I didn’t fully understand it at the time. I just thought it was so special. During that period, I have vivid memories of feeling isolated and alone. I started having strange dreams or nightmares where I felt trapped. Sometimes they had a paranormal element, and other times they featured an aggressive male or female figure. No matter what, I couldn’t seem to escape. At the time, my younger brother was there with us, but our two older siblings were already out of the house. Our family always felt somewhat separated in that way. My brother would have his high school friends over, and one of them in particular stands out. I remember him jumping on my bed, teasing me, and playing really loud music. Looking back, I realize that there was never any sense of protection in those moments — no conversations about what was happening or how I felt about it. I was just sort of there, experiencing it all without support or guidance. When we moved from the downtown area to a house in a suburb called West Ashley, things shifted again. Our new neighbor was that same boy, and I would often see him. At the time, my favorite activity was rollerblading around the neighborhood. It was my escape, my thing. But he started coming over, writing me letters — love letters — and it made me feel special. I don’t recall anyone ever asking me how I was doing, how I was feeling, or checking in on my emotional well-being. Looking back, I think I was vulnerable and fell prey to all of it. I didn’t know what any of that was. My mom shared with me a memory around that time, and I believe it was after that moment, after the rape. She said she found me crying on the stairs of the house, and she asked me what was wrong, and I said nothing. And that’s the thing right there. It’s just, I was let go. You know, what do you do at that moment? to talk about your feelings. Yeah, I mean, that’s the thing too. I remember certain moments vividly, like when I got my period, which was right before the rape. It was in the fall — December, I think — and the rape happened in January. I remember not telling anyone about my period. I only went to my mom when it didn’t stop, and I was so scared that I was dying. As I got older, I reflected on those experiences. There’s a reason I didn’t let people in, didn’t welcome them, or allow them to help me. I would always say, “I got it.” Looking back, that realization is significant because it tells me the damage had already been done. It makes me wonder — when did I close that door?
[Tammy] And then, when you needed help the most to process what had happened to you, you didn’t know how to navigate the path of vulnerability—of finding comfort and working through the process.
[Mena] Yeah, and I also had moments, like you said, where every time—maybe at the dinner table or something—I wanted to contribute to the family conversation, but I was never heard or seen. I remember so many moments when people would finally ask, “What is it you want to say?” and I’d respond, “I don’t know, it’s gone now.” So, yeah, I think it was part of the process of emotionally learning that no one was going to give me what I needed, I guess.
A Survivor’s Reflection: An Excerpt from the Book
[Tammy] If so, may I have your permission to read a section from your book about your emotional reaction to what happened? I think it resonates with anyone who’s a survivor of any assault. “Okay. All right. I turned onto my side, facing away from him, and cried so deeply, so full of shame and fear, so broken. I hadn’t been ready. I was too young to even know—my God, I’m going to cry—what ‘ready’ was. I hadn’t wanted to do it. The most precious part of me was taken from me by this person against my will. He was present, but the rest of me was gone, fleeing the dark, looking for a safe place to hide, to cry, to recover, to eventually shut down the emotions and tell myself this was normal and I would be all right. But I was never all right again because, in that moment, I became what I believed I had allowed to happen to me.
[Mena] Yeah, those are the things we do as kids, right? We take responsibility and think it’s our fault. We believe we’re the ones who caused it, that we must have done something wrong. And, yeah, we just internalize it.
[Tammy] And I think in that moment, you feel like an object. It’s as if the only way to receive love, connection, and belonging is through objectification, and that becomes normal. This mindset then sets the stage for your adult romantic relationships.
[Mena] Yeah, I mean, I think a lot of that happened to me as a girl. I started child modeling when I was about seven. I was born in Rhode Island, and that modeling took place in Boston before we moved to Charleston. When I got to Charleston, I picked up modeling again. I remember, as I talk about in the book, my first photo shoot. I was 12, and everyone said, “Doesn’t she look 18? She looks 18.” They put a leather jacket on me, and I found myself living in this space of wanting to be seen as an adult. I thought, I’m an adult. You see me as 18, and that’s what you want from me. I made that connection very early—that this is what I have to offer, and it will get me attention. It wasn’t about anything else I could offer. It was heavily communicated, in many ways, that what I had on the exterior was what mattered. But again, nobody really talked to me about how I felt, what was going on in my day, or anything deeper. The people around me, I think, lacked the skills, tools, or ability to look past the surface when I said, “I’m fine.” They just took it at face value and didn’t try to go deeper. It was armor, and they didn’t see beyond it.
[Tammy] Well, throughout your journey and rise into Hollywood, listening about your managers and some of these photographers, there was this slow, steady decline into objectification, where you become this pretty thing that they can tear apart, deciding what’s working and what’s not working. You learn to just become a chameleon, to be whoever they tell you to become. Underneath it all is this desperate desire, which makes sense—every kid has this desperate need to belong, be loved, and be seen. But from what I read and what I hear in your story, the only way you were able to get that was through these toxic relationships with professionals who were supposed to be looking out for you, but instead were objectifying you and wanting to sleep with you. Do you think that’s a common thing in Hollywood? Because I can only imagine how that had a ripple effect on your romantic relationships in your 20s and 30s.
[Mena] I think it’s a common theme really anywhere, and I think what it implies is that there needs to be a sense of protection. What I was trying to point out with the photo shoot and the photographer is that I was dropped off and left there. I think that can be a very difficult situation. It’s hard for me to comment on it because I don’t know what the research was behind my mom finding this person. But I do remember the first time, when we were making the move from the East Coast to the West Coast, I was left with my first manager. I was sleeping on his couch for a week, and I can’t even imagine allowing my child to experience that. I feel I was way too young for that. Now, as a parent, I think a lot about age-appropriate experiences, and it always blows my mind how there isn’t enough sensitivity in that area.
[Tammy] Yeah, I have a 16-year-old daughter, and even when she goes to a friend’s house, I’m like, “Who is there? I want the parents’ phone number. I want to meet them. I need to know where you’re going. Who are these friends? I want them to come over first before you go to their house.” The thought of, you know, when your parents— I know they were doing the best they could at the time— but they repeatedly left you for a week in LA while they moved, or left you at a photographer’s house unsupervised, and that didn’t go well. I encourage people to read the book to learn more, but it’s like you wrote in your book: “I was more often than not left to my own devices when I had free time. That was my parents’ way, but there was plenty of room to wander. Why all these introductions to men, sex, and rock and roll through these sick and twisted interactions? Where were my parents? Where were the adults, any of them? And what was I looking for? Had I really chosen, somewhere inside of me, to trade anything I could for any form of emotional comfort?”
[Mena] Yeah, I mean, I talk about coming out to LA, living at the Oakwood Apartments for the summer, which a lot of people did at the time. Now it’s changed; it’s been remodeled, but that was sort of what I would do. I would just kind of roam around. I mean, this was also the ’90s, no social media, but I ended up— yeah, there was some guy who was in his 20s. I talked about it in the book, and I ended up in his apartment. He’s kissing me, touching me, you know, and I’m just horrified. But I think to myself, looking back at that— just like what you read— why was that okay for me? Like, somehow my behavior implied that what I was doing was normal for me and okay, and that’s just mind-blowing. Even in Burbank, when we finally moved here and I was going to high school, I would just walk around Burbank, you know? I didn’t have anything like what my son has now— he’s three and a half. We go to little karate after school, he has soccer and tennis. We’re always like, carefully asking him how much he wants to do. But I didn’t have that kind of involvement or extracurricular stuff. I was just walking around, and I ended up hanging out with the wrong people. I ended up in the wrong situations because I didn’t have a healthy structure around me. I didn’t have that, like, what you’re talking about— when you’re like, “Who’s the parent? Their phone number?” and having them come over. Even just that energy you give off makes the child feel like somebody cares about them. I didn’t feel like anyone was interested in me. So I think it just slowly unravels. By the time I was a preteen and teen, it was normal. There was nothing on fire, no crazy emergency, so everything must’ve been okay. I didn’t talk about my parents a lot in the book, and it’s not wholly for me to talk about— there’s only so much that I know. But I appreciate what you’re saying about my mom. I do know that she came from a lot of abuse as well, and emotionally, she was like a teenager. She was left to her own devices, and I believe I’m different in that regard— I feel that I’ve been stronger in pursuing more. I don’t think my mom had the ability to do that. That inability and lack of awareness shaped the outcome. At times, my mom would admit that she honestly didn’t know what teenagers were doing. She didn’t, I think, really have any knowledge of that boy being around me and him thinking of me sexually which is odd.
Breaking the Silence: Confronting Childhood Trauma and Parental Accountability
[Tammy] Yeah, but I think parents sometimes have limited tools and do the best they can with what they have. All we can do is try. I thought there was a lot of grace in how you spoke about your parents. However, I wonder—after working with many trauma survivors myself—if there’s often an element of addressing the parents and saying, “You need to ask for forgiveness because you didn’t protect your child. You might not have directly caused the harm, but that child, regardless of how it happened, felt alone. They felt like you didn’t protect them, that you didn’t know what was going on, and that you didn’t take the opportunity to ask when you saw them struggling and shutting down.” I’m wondering, in your situation—if you’re comfortable sharing—have you received any closure from your family? Have they acknowledged this dynamic of leaving you feeling alone or exposing you to things you shouldn’t have experienced at such a young age?
[Mena] Not really. Again, I wrote the book, and somewhat surprisingly, it wasn’t something I ever thought I would do. This dynamic of being alone and perhaps being exposed to things I shouldn’t have been when I was very young—it wasn’t something I wrote about for my family. I mean, the book was promoted, but I didn’t explicitly announce it to my family. I believe they know about it, though I’m not sure if they’ve read it. But I didn’t write it for them. That’s the thing. I wrote it because I couldn’t keep living in this space where I acted as though my past wasn’t mine, as if I didn’t know those people. I just couldn’t do that anymore. I felt I had to integrate my experiences. I knew I couldn’t help anyone by pretending I was fine or by being the person everyone assumed I was—because I’m not. I wanted to give back and help others, and that was my motivation for writing it. It wasn’t written with the hope of changing things within my family. I mean, I knew that kind of resolution might never happen, and I’ve come to terms with that. That said, I have had moments where I’ve expressed myself in ways I never did before—calling things out and saying what needed to be said. The last time I did that, it felt better. I was in a place where I could say, “This is what happened, and it’s okay. It’s okay that I’m coming out of this.” I just wanted acknowledgement. In the past, I was far more emotionally charged and angry about it, desperately wanting a response. But I think now, after meeting people, having deep conversations, and becoming a parent myself, I’ve learned to emotionally and energetically pick my battles. I don’t have all the answers, but I’ve always tried to be present and open to anyone who wants to have those discussions. All I can do is strive to be a better person and a better parent for my child. That’s how I see it.
[Tammy] Absolutely. I asked you because when I was 25, and the abuse I experienced from my father was finally recognized, it marked a significant moment—a turning point in my healing journey. The acknowledgment itself brought a sense of validation. So, I always ask if anyone has had that kind of closure or acknowledgment from their family, especially when they feel unsupported or when the harm came directly from their family.
[Mena] I’ve had that, yes. I agree—it can be incredibly impactful. I’ve experienced it with people who know me well, which is interesting. These individuals, who have become very close to me, have helped me process what happened and understand where I’m at now. That support has been really helpful. However, whenever I’ve tried to address things with my family, it’s been difficult. My father passed away, and he was always older, so that door is closed. As for my mother, I’m not sure. The times I’ve tried to approach the subject, it often becomes very defensive. It’s challenging because our relationship sometimes feels like a role reversal.
[Tammy] She probably didn’t get what she needed when she was little either.
[Mena] Yeah, that makes sense. She didn’t get what she needed when she was little either. It’s this uncomfortable dynamic where she tends to regress, which makes it hard for me to approach the topic.
[Tammy] You know, that makes a lot of sense. She probably hasn’t done her own healing.
[Mena] I mean, we all heal in different ways. I wouldn’t say no; I’d much rather say that I hope for more healing for my family. It makes a lot of sense, and maybe she hasn’t done her own healing yet. I hope for more because I feel like what’s really been lacking, and what I enjoy the most, are those conversations—talking things out, acknowledging what happened, and having open discussions instead of acting like it didn’t happen.
[Tammy] Yeah, absolutely. Sweeping it under the rug and saying, “This is the past, this is the past,” doesn’t help. Unfortunately, the past carries over into our current functioning. We can’t ignore it—it’s part of our story. It’s ingrained in our reactions and the way we process our emotions. It’s always there.
[Mena] Yeah, and I think, again, a big thing is that my parents always provided for us. We had amazing things, and I have so many wonderful memories of what I was given. But the emotional aspect—it’s the whole picture that really needs to be addressed. And, yeah, a lot of people might think, “Well, you were given so much,” and yes, I was. That’s what has made it really hard—allowing myself to acknowledge that, despite all of that, I’m still not fully okay.
[Tammy] Well, that’s comparative suffering—when we tell ourselves that others have had it so much worse than us, so we shouldn’t be allowed to feel our own pain.
[Mena] Yeah, I had a lot of that, so.
Guidance for Parents: Navigating Parenthood with Strength and Healing
[Tammy] The last thing I wanted to address is this: as a survivor of sexual assault and, in many ways, neglect—especially emotional neglect—when you were young, what would you say to parents who have experienced something similar and are now trying to navigate parenting while dealing with those experiences? What message do you have for those parents?
[Mena] Such a great question. I mean, I feel like, first of all, you have been the ultimate resource for me. The Institute of Child Psychology has literally saved me in so many ways. You sending me your book has been critical. I also adore my therapist. I found EMDR, which has really helped me in a way.
[Tammy] I did three years of EMDR.
[Mena] So it’s really that support and community, and you know, that internal mantra too. It’s been that whole process for me every day. I still do it every day. I still try to make connections within my mind, body, and soul to help understand where I’ve come from, my behavior, and how I can be better. I feel like that’s so powerful in and of itself because I think that’s so much of what my family didn’t do. It’s like you never ask any questions; you just keep going. I’m always trying to ask myself, “Can I be better? What can I learn?” So I think it’s a mix of all of that, along with feeling very proactive about the types of relationships I have. I value them deeply and need them to talk about the things that can help both of us heal. I don’t like anything surface-level; I want everything to be deep and healing.
[Tammy] Yeah, and what I think is the most valuable gift you and other survivors of trauma have to give the world is that you’ve been through the fire, and if you’ve done your healing, you know the way through. So when you come on my podcast, Tanya’s podcast, and share your story, saying there is hope at the end of this, there is healing at the end of this, and you can be a good parent, you don’t have to keep repeating these cycles, it’s inspiring for parents and any survivors. They can break that cycle. They can take what has happened to them and make it into something beautiful.
[Mena] Yeah, yeah, no, it is possible. I mean, I always try to say, and I said it in the book, I worded it like, if I could shave off a summer of suffering for someone, then I wanted to be the person to do that. Because that’s true. I mean, I think I just want to be the person that I never had for people, you know? Because on the outside, there was so much of, “Well, everything looks okay.” So if everything looks okay, it must be okay.
[Tammy] Well, your son is very lucky that he gets this version of you, one that has been enlightened and healed. For any survivors of sexual assault or abuse, I encourage you to read Mena’s story. Thank you for being a source of inspiration. As an abuse survivor myself, it was very healing, especially the beginning parts of your book about being left to your own devices and searching for love in the wrong places. I feel that so deeply at my core, as a teen who had very similar experiences. And again, here I am, just like you—we figured out a way through, and now we’re each, in our own ways, trying to help people find ways to heal, inspire hope, and inspire change in the world. So, thank you.
[Mena] Thank you, I appreciate you.
[Tammy] So, everyone, again, putting it up in case anyone’s watching the video: This is a great piece, a memoir by Mena Suvari. Thank you so much, Mena, for taking the time to talk with me today.
[Mena] Thank you for having me. I really, really appreciate it.
Child sexual abuse can happen to any child and may be perpetrated by anyone, but it often occurs with someone the child knows and trusts. It is important not only how to recognize child sex abuse but also how to help children disclose and report the abuse when it occurs. To raise awareness and help people understand the signs of abuse, we’ve included a guide that outlines what to look out for and how you can help a child in danger. Check it out here:
Child Sexual Abuse Resources: bergmanlegal.com/child-sexual-
Comments are closed.