Tammy Schamuhn | March 31, 2025

Humans are hardwired for connection and belonging. Humans stay with their parents longer than any other mammal on the planet, and as such, their relationship with their primary caregivers is pivotal to their physical and emotional safety. Children are by nature extremely vulnerable beings, and they rely on us to meet most of their needs. Babies and children cannot simply fend for themselves; they need us to comfort, clothe, feed, and, most of all, love them. This dependent relationship is the foundation for attachment: a deep and enduring emotional bond between two people in which each seeks closeness and feels more secure when in the presence of the other.

Attachment is the hallmark of emotional well-being in humans, the antidote to trauma, and the catalyst of resiliency. On the other hand, insecure attachment style in childhood is related to an array of negative mental health outcomes and unstable adult relationships later in life.

A child’s brain takes a significant amount of time to develop (up to thirty years of age), and their experiences with the outside world, including their attachments, greatly influence the architecture of their brain. We know that the higher the quality of attachments a child has with their caregivers, the stronger their brain grows, especially the thinking brain.

Something subtle but extraordinary happens when a child is in the right relationship with their caregiver. Little Amanda looks for her mother’s nod, and she tries the monkey bars for the first time; Ayden’s tears stop flowing as his father kisses his ouchy on his knee; Adam beams with pride as his mother throws him the ball and catches it while his father exclaims, “You did it, son!” It is in these moments of connection when we feel seen, heard, valued, and loved that we feel like we can move mountains. These small moments accumulate over time to form a bond that provides our children the strength to persevere, explore, and connect with other people. We cannot think of a more valuable gift you can give your child than that of a secure attachment.

Understanding what it takes to create secure attachments is essential for parents and caregivers. One popular framework that offers valuable insights is Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson’s 4 S’s of Secure Attachments:

Defining the 4 S’s: Safe, Seen, Soothed, and Secure

1. Safe: “Safe” refers to helping children be and feel safe.The first S involves making the commitment that you won’t be a source of fear for your child. It also stresses the importance of reconnecting after a disagreement and apologizing if you’re the one in the wrong.
   “Safe” also means working on providing your child with a sense that home is a haven.
   As adults, “safe” children may be more likely to openly express their emotions and needs and develop a sense of trust in interpersonal relationships.
2. Seen: Being seen means that the child’s experiences, thoughts, and emotions are acknowledged and validated.
   It involves active listening, paying attention, and being present with the child. When children feel seen, they develop a sense of self-worth and learn to trust that their needs and feelings are important.
3. Soothed: The ability to soothe a child is crucial in building secure attachments.
   This involves providing comfort, reassurance, and support when the child is distressed or upset. By soothing a child, caregivers help them regulate their emotions and learn healthy coping mechanisms.
   Siegel’s framework suggests encouraging children through the acronym
   PEACE:
   • Presence
   • Engagement
   • Affection
   • Calm
   • Empathy
4. Secure: The final element of secure attachments is creating a sense of security and predictability in the child’s relationships.
   This means being consistent, reliable, and available to the child. When children feel secure, they develop a sense of trust and confidence in their relationships. It also involves encouraging children to understand and be unafraid of their emotions and recognize those in others.
   Feeling secure means they can be vulnerable, make mistakes, and voice their opinions without fear of punishment or rejection.

At the heart of every thriving child is a deep, secure attachment with a loving caregiver. As parents and caregivers, our greatest task isn’t to raise perfect children—it’s to be the safe harbor from which they can launch into the world. When children feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure, they develop the internal foundation to handle life’s challenges with resilience, empathy, and confidence.

The beauty of attachment lies in its everyday moments: the bedtime snuggles, the patient listening, the comfort after a hard day, and the consistent presence that quietly whispers, “I’m here, no matter what.” These are the moments that shape their brains, nurture their hearts, and build the blueprint for every relationship they’ll have in the future.

By leaning into the 4 S’s—Safe, Seen, Soothed, and Secure—we’re not just meeting our child’s immediate needs. We’re investing in their lifelong emotional health, giving them the tools to love, to trust, and to believe in themselves. And truly, what greater gift could we offer?

Tammy Schamuhn, M.Sc., B.Ed, RPT-S 

Tammy is a Registered Psychologist, best-selling author,  Registered Play Therapist Supervisor, Co-Founder of the Institute of Child Psychology, and Founder of the Child- Centered Animal Assisted Therapy Association.  Tammy offers training in animal-assisted therapy at her ranch in Canada (www.hoovesofhoperanch.com). Visit www.ccaata.com to learn more.