Child Psych Podcast Episode #114

Introduction

[Tania] Hello and welcome to the Child Psych Podcast. I’m Tania Johnson, a registered psychologist, registered play therapist, co-founder of the Institute of Child Psychology, and, perhaps most importantly, a mom. Today, we are thrilled to have Elaine Taylor-Klaus with us, the co-founder of Impact Parents. Welcome, Elaine! 

[Elaine] Thank you, it’s great to be here.

[Tania] We’re so excited to have you here and have so many questions to ask. But first, I understand that there’s a story behind how you found yourself in the field of parent coaching, and I was wondering if we could start there.

[Elaine] Sure, absolutely. Like you, I wear many hats, but first and foremost, I’m a mom. I’m a mom to three children — I used to say three ADHD-plus-plus kids. Now, I would describe us as a family of six complex young adults and adults. One of my kids is now married, and all of them are young adults. I have a book idea on the horizon that I may never write, but I love the title: “My Kids Are All in Their 20s, They’re All in Therapy, and It’s All My Fault.”

[Tania] Wow, I love it! When it comes out, let us know. 

[Elaine] I found myself the mom of three complex kids under the age of 10, and I was lost. I was overwhelmed. I didn’t yet realize that I had my own complex issues. I knew my husband had some, and by “complex,” I typically mean neurodiversity — kids who struggle with life, learning, behavior, emotions, social interactions, school, or any combination of those. I had these three really complex young kids, and I was struggling. There was plenty of support available for them, but in those days, there was almost nothing available for me as a parent. A series of events shifted things for me, one of which was getting access to coaching for myself because I was truly at my wit’s end. The five or ten minutes I spent talking to my child’s therapist, usually with my hand on the door as we were leaving, was just not enough. What I discovered was that when I started paying attention to myself, I was better able to be present for what my kids needed. It helped me understand and support them more effectively. Even then, I wasn’t fully convinced. I decided to take the GRE to go back to graduate school and study psychology to get a PhD. But I couldn’t find a program that fit into my schedule with three small children. So, I decided to pursue coaching as a sort of stopgap measure. I figured I’d get a coaching certification and then return to graduate school. But I fell in love with coaching. On the very first afternoon, I called my husband in tears and said, “This is it. I’ve found it.” I discovered a way of being in the world that was proactive, wellness-based, and holistic. It didn’t see me as broken, and it didn’t see my kids as broken either. By that point, I had also been diagnosed with learning and attention issues in my 40s. It all started to click. I had been a mom who believed in wellness and preventive care — I used a midwife to birth my kids, for example. Coaching, for me, was the verbalization of those same values. It was about presence and being. I realized pretty quickly how much of a difference it was making in my relationships with my kids and my husband. Eventually, I also realized it was something I could teach. That’s when I met Diane Dempster, my business partner. She had a very similar experience, except she described herself as a “recovering, yelling mom” focused on executive function, while I was a “lost and overwhelmed ADD mom.” But it worked for both of us. That’s when we knew we were onto something. Long story short, we started what was then called Impact ADHD, now known as Impact Parents. For the past 13 to 14 years, we’ve been providing training, coaching, and support for parents of what I call “complex kids” all over the world. It’s pretty cool — and powerful. This modality works. It makes a real difference.

[Tania] Absolutely. So often, I see kids in the clinic, and I often tell parents, “My role in working with your kids is as a guide.” We have regular parent update sessions, but I only see the kids for an hour a week — if I’m lucky. More often, it’s an hour every two weeks, and that’s in the best-case scenario. Sometimes, it’s even less frequent than that. I’m not going to change their world by seeing a child for an hour a week. It’s the parents who ultimately have the power to shift and change their children’s world. When we can equip parents with tools, strategies, and new perspectives, that’s when we see the greatest change.

[Elaine] Exactly. A few years later, we created a program called Sanity School for parents. It’s essentially a foundational program that teaches parents neurodiversity-informed coaching skills and concepts. To be clear, it’s not a coach training program — we’re not training parents to become coaches. But by learning how to take a coach-like approach as a parent, you can truly transform the family dynamic and significantly improve outcomes for kids. I firmly believe that it doesn’t matter what the diagnosis is or what the complexity entails. These days, I’d say we’re all raising kids in complex times. So, what’s underneath the surface matters less than how we choose to “be” with them. When you shift your approach as a parent, the cascading impact of that change is quite profound.

The Tug-of-War in Parenting: Finding Balance for Your Challenging Child’s Growth

[Tania] I love that phrase — the cascade of care. It’s so powerful. I have a question for you, and it’s something we get asked often at the Institute. We have a wonderful community of members, and one topic that comes up almost weekly is: What do we do when we have a challenging child with challenging behaviors, and there are two parents in the house with different parenting styles? This dynamic can be tricky to navigate, especially when one parent leans toward a more authoritarian, punishment-based approach, while the other takes a more authoritative approach, focused on building executive functioning skills. What does this child need? How do we shift the environment to better support them? And, most importantly, how can parents navigate these differences in parenting styles effectively? I’d love to hear your thoughts on that. 

[Elaine] It’s a great question, and we hear it every week in our community as well. I have several thoughts on how to approach it. First, let’s start with ourselves as parents. Our primary role is to be in a relationship with our child — to be the adult that makes them feel safe, seen, heard, supported, guided, and encouraged. You don’t need anyone else’s permission to build that relationship with your child. You don’t have to do it the way someone else does. At the end of the day, you can shift any dynamic you’re facing by being that safe, trusted adult in your child’s life. I like to say that if we can be an invitation to our kids — someone they feel comfortable approaching — they’ll know they have a safe space with us. And you don’t need anyone else’s permission to create that space. This is especially important because so many parents are navigating unique family structures — single parents, co-parents living in different homes, or households with multiple caregivers. No matter the situation, parents across the world are facing similar challenges, and the core solution remains the same: building a strong, supportive relationship with your child.

[Tania] And what I love is you saying take your focus off the adult and focus on the kid. What do they need right now?

[Elaine] What they truly need is to feel safe trusting you — period. Everything else stems from that foundation. So, the first and most important point is that, yes, we all would love to have the perfect co-parenting balance. Ideally, we’d have a harmonious partnership, but that’s not always the reality. In many communities, including ours, there are a lot of single parents who lean into their community or coach for additional support and perspective. The next thing I want to emphasize is that there’s nothing inherently wrong with having two different perspectives in parenting. In fact, it’s probably healthy for kids to see that parents don’t always agree on everything. That’s life — it’s part of the human experience. A crucial part of our role as parents is to support our children in learning how to build and maintain relationships with other people in the world. If that means being in a relationship with another parent or co-parent who doesn’t always see things the same way, then that becomes part of the child’s journey. They have to learn how to navigate situations where their parents may not understand them, may not show up the way they expect, or may even make them feel bad when they don’t do something “just right.” That’s part of their life’s work — figuring out how to manage those feelings and experiences. This isn’t about absolving co-parents of their responsibilities, but it shifts the focus back to the child. What does the child need? They need to be supported as they learn how to navigate life when things don’t go the way they want them to.

Supporting Your Child: Navigating Challenging Relationships with Their Dad

[Tania] I know there are many points to cover here, but one question that often comes up is how to support a child who has a more difficult relationship with their dad. I love what you’re saying about the child’s story being, “This is my relationship with my dad, and this is how I learned different things and developed coping skills.” The challenge for parents, especially mothers in this scenario, is figuring out how to support their child when they’re facing difficulties with their dad. It can be tough to strike a balance between validating the child’s feelings and encouraging a healthy relationship with the other parent.

[Elaine] Yeah, no, it’s a classic trope, actually. Dad takes on an authoritative or authoritarian role — I can never remember which is which — and expects the child to “pull themselves up by their bootstraps.” There’s often this mindset of, “I wasn’t coddled when I was a kid, so they shouldn’t be either.” This world of expectation, rooted in how they were raised, doesn’t always align with the needs of modern kids in today’s vastly different world. In response, mom often overcompensates. She may avoid setting enough boundaries because she’s trying to balance out the father’s strictness. As a result, the child ends up caught between two extremes, unsure of which approach to follow. This is something I see a lot. Addressing the question you asked really depends on the specific scenario, but at the heart of it, our role as parents is to meet the child’s needs — not to react to the other parent. Children need boundaries, structure, and reasonable expectations. The key word here is reasonable. They don’t need perfectionism, nor do they need to be held to the standards of a 24-year-old when they’re only 12.

[Tania] Absolutely. I think you do answer my question because if we shift our focus away from the other parent — what they may or may not be doing or how they should be doing it — and instead focus on the child or teen in front of us, it changes the conversation entirely.

[Elaine] Yeah, early in my coach training, I did some relationship systems training, and I’m a big proponent of IFS (Internal Family Systems). One of the key concepts they emphasize is that the problem isn’t always where you think it is. The problem isn’t here, between me and the co-parent — the problem is out there. If we can both focus on that external problem and identify where we align, then we don’t have to argue about whether we agree or disagree. If we start by trying to figure out where we agree or disagree, we end up trying to convince each other that our approach is the “right” one. But if we can both look outward and recognize that we both want the same core outcomes for the child — like developing independence, self-esteem, and self-worth — then we can work together. We can experiment, saying, “Let’s try this, and if it doesn’t work, we’ll try that.” This approach allows for flexibility and collaboration rather than rigidity. It shifts the focus away from following a specific system and toward the ultimate goal: nurturing a healthy, well-rounded, soon-to-be young adult.

[Tania] Beautiful. I love that — the idea that we both want the same thing. It’s all about alignment, right? But in our society, especially in the Western world, we often get caught up in the need for agreement. As soon as you notice yourself trying to convince someone of something, it’s a good sign that you’re no longer having a conversation about alignment. Instead, you’re arguing about the “how.” And when you’re stuck arguing about the “how,” you’ve likely lost sight of the bigger picture — what you’re truly trying to achieve.

[Elaine] Yeah, because there’s no one “right” way. There are many different ways to achieve what you want to achieve. The sooner you understand, accept, and involve your child in that process, the sooner you’ll be guiding them through the essential process of problem-solving — one of the most critical life skills we want them to develop.

[Tania] I think, too, that there is no single “right” way. However, if you find yourself completely at odds with the approach of the person you’re co-parenting with, it may be a good indicator that a third party might be needed to help you both get aligned toward a shared goal. I recently spoke with a mom who said her husband was very pro-timeouts, sticker charts, and punishment. He also had a much stronger personality than she did, making it very difficult for her to discuss what she was learning about discipline, guiding kids, and supporting executive functioning skills. In those moments, it may be necessary to seek outside support. This doesn’t always have to be a therapist or a coach — it could be a priest, an elder from the community, or another trusted figure. The key is recognizing when you need help and being willing to reach out for it.

[Elaine] That’s a great awareness. I do think coaching is incredibly valuable because it doesn’t come with an opinion or advice. Instead, the coach facilitates a conversation, guiding both parties through collaborative problem-solving. As I was listening to you, Tania, I was reminded of my own experience when I first started this work. My husband and I were not on the same page. Early on, he would ask me to explain what I was doing. The challenge was that I couldn’t articulate it because much of it felt intuitive at the time. He would ask, “Just tell me what to do,” but I couldn’t give him a clear answer. There was a disconnect because he wanted the kids to behave in line with his expectations, while I was more focused on responding to the situation as it unfolded. Over time, he began to notice that what I was doing was working. That shift led him to want me to guide him, but I wasn’t quite ready for that either. Then we reached a point where he wanted me to support him as a parent, just as he was expected to support me. That was fair, but there were moments when I felt that his expectations for the kids were not fair or reasonable. I was willing to support him and avoid undermining him in front of the kids, but I wasn’t willing to support something that I believed could be harmful to them. This was when seeking outside support made a real difference. It allowed us to learn how to collaborate and agree on what we would try next. My husband was absolutely right in recognizing that, early on, I had been the primary parent. But as we both grew in this work, he became more involved. In fact, he eventually decided to become a coach himself. When I asked him why, he said it was because he could no longer deny that what I was doing was working. As he started playing a more active role as a parent — which was fair, reasonable, and just what the kids needed — it felt like he was stepping into “my turf.” I had been doing this work for a long time, so there was definitely some initial discord. It wasn’t until we applied a concept we call “designing around” in coaching that things started to shift. We had to learn how to communicate more effectively and set agreements about how we would approach parenting together. Fortunately, as my husband became a coach himself, we gained access to a shared set of tools, skills, and language that made it easier to navigate these conversations. This alignment ultimately made us more effective as both parents and partners.

[Tania] Beautiful, I think sometimes that shared language is huge.

[Elaine] It’s huge. That’s why, in our realm, the San Diego School is so powerful. If I can get both parents through just the first class, it creates a shared language. Sometimes it’s about getting the parents and teachers to have that shared language. The impact is significant because it shifts the focus from “What am I worried about?” to “What’s going on with this child, and how can I help?”

Parenting in Sync: Supporting Your Partner Without Losing Your Voice

[Tania] A completely different perspective. Elaine, one of the things you mentioned in your own journey is supporting the other parent during moments of chaos at home. For instance, when both parents are present with the child and one, say the mom, is setting limits or implementing a disciplinary measure, how can we support our partner while also questioning what’s happening? What ideas do you have for parents in these situations?

[Elaine] It’s a great question. There’s a useful tool I’ve used often when working with couples called “tagging out.” The idea is that when we reach moments of tension, it’s usually our issue as adults — we’re the ones getting upset or triggered. When this happens, one parent can “tag out,” allowing the other to step in. This is especially helpful when you have another parent in the home, as it gives you a chance to walk away, calm down, and avoid engaging with a child while you’re upset. At Impact Parents, one of our core values is “commit to calm.” No matter what, you cannot have a constructive, collaborative, problem-solving conversation if anyone is triggered. So, one key strategy is to recognize when you need to step back and tag out. Another essential strategy is to avoid having corrective conversations in front of the kids. Agree with your co-parent to pause and discuss the matter privately. It’s perfectly okay to tell your children, “We’re going to pause and talk about this first because we need to be on the same page before making a decision.” This approach shows kids that problem-solving is a thoughtful process. However, this doesn’t mean letting them hear you arguing in another room. The goal is to work through the issue constructively. Most of the time, there’s no need for an immediate decision unless it’s a health or safety issue. In those cases, you do what’s necessary to keep everyone safe. Otherwise, it’s okay to press the pause button and say, “We’ll discuss this later this afternoon.”

[Tania] I love that, and I appreciate the reminder because I often feel like we move too quickly. We think, “This needs to be sorted out right now, and this is what’s going to happen.” But why?

[Elaine] Because we’re trying to check off a box and move on to the next thing. But relationships are messy, family dynamics are messy, and you’re never truly “done,” right? One of the things we emphasize is teaching communication techniques, and one of those techniques is called “breadcrumbs.” The idea is that a single conversation, particularly with teenagers and young adults, can unfold over the course of weeks. It doesn’t all have to happen at once. If sitting down for a formal talk is likely to trigger them, making it difficult for them to be present, then maybe you just drop a little breadcrumb. You could say, “I’ve been thinking about something, and I’d love to talk about it sometime.” That’s it. Then, later, you come back and say, “I mentioned that the other day — what do you think? When’s a good time for you?” It’s about breaking it into small, manageable pieces. As parents, whether it’s with our co-parents or with our kids, we often have these full, lengthy conversations in our own heads before bringing them to the other person. We’ve been thinking about it for so long that by the time we finally approach our co-parent or child, it feels like we’re unloading everything all at once. But they haven’t been thinking about it — they might be watching a game, playing a video game, or doing homework. So, when we come in with all that intensity, it can feel overwhelming or even off-putting to them.

[Tania] So, slow it down. I think you just need to slow it down. Sometimes, you have to slow down to speed up, right? So, we say, “We’re going to pause. Mom and Dad will come back, or Grandma and Dad—whoever’s in the house—we’ll come back and talk to you. We’ll revisit this after dinner,” or whatever the case may be. When the parents step aside to chat—because, clearly, there’s a difference of opinion on how the situation should be handled—do you have any tools you recommend to help facilitate that conversation?

[Elaine] I do. We have a great tool called Relationships by Design. There’s an article on our site about it, and we can provide a link. 

[Tania] We’ll also include the link in the description of the podcast.

[Elaine] Yeah, it’s a classic coaching technique. The way I like to describe it is as a three-part process: an offer, an ask, and a check-in. The offer is typically an acknowledgment of the other person. For example, my husband and I will often say, “Can we design around this?” Sometimes you’re designing for something that happened in the past that you want to prevent from happening again in the future. Other times, you’re anticipating a situation and want to design how you’ll approach it. This includes questions like, “How are we going to handle this?” “What do you need from me?” and “What do I want to ask of you?” The offer often starts with an acknowledgment. For instance, “I can see that this is really important to you,” or “I know you’re really worried that they might not be ready for such and such in the future.” It’s a way of showing compassion and validating the other person’s experience without adding a “but” or invalidating their feelings. Next is the task. This might be a request for a longer conversation, for support from a professional, or to simply try your way for a week and see how it goes. The key is to present the ask after the offer. Finally, you check in. This is where you ask, “How does that sound?” “Does that seem fair?” or “Are you willing to try that?” It invites feedback and collaboration. You can use this technique with both kids and adults. For example, with my teenager, I might say, “You can count on me to remind you on Monday nights when it’s time to take out the trash.” Then, I would add, “What I want to ask of you is that when I remind you, you stop what you’re doing and do it right away so we don’t get into a nagging cycle.” Finally, I’d check in by asking, “Does that sound fair?” Of course, it’s fair. But it starts with acknowledgement: “I’ve got your back. I’ll help you with the reminder part. You don’t have to remember it’s Monday night — you’re 16.” Then I add my ask: “But I would like you to respect that I’m being that reminder for you.” The check-in ensures we’re on the same page.

[Tania] Beautiful. Offer an ask, check-in — it’s a beautiful approach.

[Elaine] It’s a great structure — a conversational framework that can be used for so many things. It’s incredibly helpful.

[Tania] Yeah, yeah, I love it. So we go to the room, have our discussion, and create a plan together. Then we come back to our child as a united team, rather than appearing as opponents in a battlefield.

[Elaine] Interestingly, the article “Relationships by Design” discusses a dynamic between my husband and me during a fight at an airport. While it’s not specifically about using the technique with kids, it’s a powerful tool for co-parents.

Rebuilding Unity: Turning Family Conflicts into Collaborative Solutions

[Tania] I love it. So we come back to our kids, and if we have entered that battlefield where mom thinks one thing, dad thinks another, and the child has their own perspective, it’s probably time to pause and repair by reflecting on what just happened.

[Elaine] I appreciate that you included the child’s perspective. It’s an important addition. Regarding repair, I think it’s crucial that adults take responsibility for their actions and themselves. It’s okay to say, “I don’t really like the way I handled that,” or, “I’m working really hard to shift how I’m doing this, and it’s challenging for me.” It’s especially important to show our kids, more so than co-parents, that we are human, imperfect, and constantly learning, trying, and growing. By doing so, we model growth and a growth mindset for them. If we focus on pretending to have it all together, never making mistakes, and knowing everything, we’re not doing them any favors. We’re failing to prepare them for the realities of life. One of the great lessons from COVID was the opportunity it gave us to model resilience for our kids. We could demonstrate, in real time, that even when we don’t know what’s going to happen, we can still navigate uncertainty and face challenges head-on. Some of us managed it better than others, but that capacity for resilience is something we should aim to model continuously, knowing that our children are always watching and learning from us.

[Tania] So beautiful, so beautiful because then they know they can follow. They realize, “Okay, mom, dad, grandma — they are my anchor. I can follow them. They’ve got this.”

[Elaine] And they know they can make mistakes. They understand that they don’t have to be perfect from the start — that life is about learning from mistakes, not just getting it right. I think it’s a very old paradigm that many of us were raised with. I was definitely raised in a world where if I came home with a 98, my dad would say, “What happened to the other two points?” That was it. But that’s not particularly constructive, especially in this day and age. We need to help our kids understand what it means to have a growth mindset — to learn from both their successes and their failures.

[Tania] Life is messy and beautiful all at the same time. Elaine, do you have any final words for everyone listening in?

[Elaine] It’s a lovely conversation. Thank you. Any final words? I think what I want to say is that relationships are complicated, particularly parenting relationships. Nobody prepares us for this. It’s fraught with challenges because we bring our own childhood experiences, stories, and relationships with our own parents into it. I remember having this conversation with my parents and even with my husband early on, before we were married. He came from a family where there was a lot of yelling, while I came from a family where there was no yelling. That doesn’t mean there wasn’t conflict, but it wasn’t expressed through yelling. Navigating that difference — understanding that I couldn’t work things out if he was screaming — was huge for us. We all bring our own baggage and personal history into our relationships. As parents, it’s essential to do the deep inner work required to manage our own issues and seek support if needed. This way, we avoid bringing unresolved baggage into the most important and profound relationships in our lives. Whether you work with a coach, a therapist, or any other form of support, it’s worth the effort. If there are constant triggers in your dynamic, chances are you have a role in it — and you have the power to help improve it.

[Tania] Such an important message. Where can everybody find you?

[Elaine] We also have a podcast called Parenting with Impact. You can listen to it wherever you stream podcasts or visit impactparents.com/podcast to access all our episodes. We interview experts, clients, and each other, offering valuable insights and discussions. Additionally, our website, impactparents.com, is packed with resources. We’ve been running a blog since 2011, providing a wealth of information and support for parents.

[Tania] The blog is fantastic by the way and it’s updated regularly. It’s really good.

[Elaine] Thank you, thank you. It’s a blend of guest experts, coaching, and client insights. Everything we do revolves around community, coaching, and learning in classrooms. There are plenty of amazing resources available at impactparents.com.

[Tania] Beautiful. We’ll link everything in the description. Thank you so much for your time today, Elaine. It was such a great conversation.

[Elaine] My pleasure. I really enjoyed it. Thank you for having me.