Tania Johnson | July 25th, 2025

As a therapist, I have had the honor of sitting across from hundreds of parents. I have witnessed the tears, the questions, the longing to get it right. I have heard the quiet confessions that are often spoken only behind closed doors. Sentences like, “I thought it would feel different” or “Sometimes I feel like I don’t know who my child is anymore.”

These words are rarely said with judgment. They are spoken from love. From deep concern. From the ache that lives in the heart of nearly every parent at some point in their journey.

Most of us step into parenthood carrying an invisible script. We carry expectations about how our children will behave, how they will respond to us, what milestones they will reach and when, and even how they will reflect back our own sense of identity as parents. These scripts are shaped by our own childhoods, our culture, social media, and often by the pressure to be doing everything “right.”

But real children are not designed to follow scripts.

They are not extensions of us. They are not carbon copies of our values, personalities, or temperaments. They arrive as their own people. With their own ways of engaging with the world. Their own nervous systems. Their own timelines. Their own stories.

And sometimes that difference between what we expected and what is unfolding in front of us can feel disorienting.

This is where many parents get stuck. Not because they do not love their child, but because they are caught between two truths. The child they imagined and the child who is right in front of them. Both real. Both worthy of love. But different nonetheless.

Loving the child you have is not always a natural process. Sometimes it is a journey of unlearning. It is about releasing old narratives and softening into curiosity. It is about noticing the grief that can come when we realize our child’s path might not look like others. It is about honoring both the love and the loss that can quietly coexist in our parenting experience.

When we move from expectation to exploration, everything shifts.

We stop trying to mold our child into someone they are not. We start becoming students of who they are. We listen more. We lean in more. We begin to see their challenges through the lens of unmet needs rather than defiance. We start to understand that behaviors are not the enemy. They are a form of communication.

This kind of love is not always easy. It requires humility. It asks us to slow down. It asks us to re-evaluate our goals. Are we parenting to raise a child who checks every societal box? Or are we raising a child who feels seen, safe, and accepted for who they truly are?

So many times, the children we find most challenging are the ones inviting us into the deepest growth.

They push us to expand our definition of success. They invite us to become more regulated, more patient, and more grounded. They help us confront parts of ourselves we might not have met otherwise.

In this light, loving the child you have becomes less about fixing and more about understanding. Less about control and more about connection.

Practical Reminders for the Journey:

• Pause before reacting. When your child is melting down or pushing your buttons, take a breath. Ask yourself, “What is going on underneath this?” and “What does my child need from me right now?”
• Drop the comparisons. No two children are the same. Your child’s journey is not supposed to look like anyone else’s. The more we compare, the harder it becomes to appreciate what is uniquely beautiful about their unfolding.
• Lean into regulation. Children co-regulate through us. The more calm and grounded we can be, the more we help their nervous system settle. This does not mean we never lose it. It means we repair when we do and keep showing up with presence and warmth.
• Celebrate the small wins. Maybe they made it through a playdate without melting down. Maybe they tried a food they usually avoid. Maybe they looked you in the eyes when they told you a story. These little moments matter. They add up. They tell the story of progress.
• Allow space for grief and joy to sit side by side. It is okay to grieve what you thought parenting would feel like while still loving your child fiercely. These emotions are not in conflict. They are part of the same truth. The deeper the love, the deeper the vulnerability.

Parenting will stretch you. It will ask more of you than you knew you had to give. But it will also grow you in the most unexpected and meaningful ways.

When we start loving the child we have, not despite their challenges but through a lens of compassion and curiosity, we create a home where they can thrive. Not because they are perfect, but because they are accepted. That is the soil in which children grow into themselves.

And that, in the end, is the most sacred gift we can offer.

Author: Tania Johnson, R. Psych., RPT

Tania Johnson is a registered Psychologist, registered Play Therapist, Co-Founder of the Institute of Child Psychology, and best-selling author of The Parenting Handbook

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