by Tania Johnson | September 9, 2024

It started to happen in the third week of September- the honeymoon was over and it was full on war. Little Maya, who was almost 6, would climb off the bus and after an initial tight hug would have three different meltdowns by the time we had walked the 800m home. Frazzled, we would get inside and I’d offer a snack and cuddle- but a million things would bother her- her sister’s loud voice, the type of cracker on her plate, my facial expression. It was exhausting. Her teacher told me she was wonderful at school- engaged, curious, and well-behaved. What was going on with my sweet little child?

Cue: After-School meltdowns:  the wrath and fury bought on by the youngest inhabitants in our homes, particularly during the first few months of school.

Why do After-School Meltdowns Happen?

For many kiddos, particularly our young ones and our  Highly Sensitive Children, the school day demands so much from them. They are  like little pressure cookers where the  accumulative stress has been  silently building over the  school day. Each challenge builds on another: “I don’t understand the work”, “ the teacher is mad”, “who am I going to play with at recess”, “my shoes are uncomfortable”, “I forgot my homework”, “ I’m nervous about the monkey bars.” None of these stressors are scaffolded or  cushioned by their safe person- until they get home and their “lids” come off in an attempt to release the pent up pressure. 

After 7 hours of being away from everything that brings them comfort, there is finally a release. The fancy term for “After school melt-down” is “After School Restraint Collapse.” After School restraint collapse beautifully describes the restraint that they utilize all day at school -and the collapse  that so many caregivers are familiar with.

For some children, the after school melt-down may contain elements of defensive attachment. This is our child’s subconscious response to being alone throughout the day without the person they depend on to help them. Their release is an underlying expression of “where were you? I needed you today.” Don’t feel guilty: this is a normal part of development that our children need to go through. As our children develop and they become more independent, the compilation of their brave moments become the tapestry of their personality. 

Great…so now what?

First of all- don’t take it personally! You are your child’s safe harbour. It is the first time in their day that they are allowing the pressure to release. When we are able to interpret the melt-down as “this is an expression of them feeling safe” instead of “my child is out of control” things start to shift a little.

I want to be the place my children can find rest after a long day, I want them to know that I can be with them in the uncomfortable moments, in the loud moments, in the strained moments.  I have always deeply believed that our children get to know who we truly are during these difficult moments. If after school meltdowns are regularly occurring, there are a few things that we can put in place to help ease our children into a place of calmness.

Strategies to Help Nurture After-School Calmness

Consider cutting back on the amount of stimulation your child encounters when they get home: Don’t ask too many questions. Save the school recap for dinner time. In our house, we start meals with the rose and thorn ritual. Each person goes around the table and shares their thorn ( one difficult thing about the day) and their rose ( one wonderful thing about their day). We sometimes  throw in “one brave moment from your day”.

At the Institute, we  encourage parents to consider holding off on turning on a show or an iPad as soon as the  kids  get home. The reason is twofold: although temporarily relaxing, it activates and overstimulates the brain, leading to potential issues once the screen is turned off (it’s as if we just delayed the meltdown).  The second reason is that we want kids to learn how to decompress without a screen. The habits we put in place now often become lifelong patterns- we don’t want them to live by the philosophy of “a hard day equates to turning on a screen.” I want something different for my kids- I want them to go outside ( nature is a natural stress remedy), to play in the mud, to build a snowman,  to get lost in reading a book….

Have look at the after school activities that your child is enrolled in- are they really working for your family? Do you need to cut back – even just for a few months? Often the process of  simplifying is the most effective remedy for after-school meltdowns.

Is your child hangry? What we eat and when we eat often shifts our emotional state- Do they need a snack as soon as they get in the car? Or as soon as they get home? Do they prefer a choice of snacks or to just have the choice made for them?  I know for one of my kids who is Highly Sensitive and who  holds a lot of her feelings in from her day, that its just better if I minimize her choices when it comes to food.  Figure out what works for your kid!

Become curious about what foods nurture wellness. We have a wonderful podcast episode with Dr. Saeed which looks at the link between mental health and food choices ( Episode 17). If your child is struggling, it may be time to revamp the pantry for healthier options that nurture mental wellness.

Reach out to your village: Let the school know that your child is struggling when they get home. There may be subtle shifts that a teacher can make in the classroom to cut back on the overwhelm that your child is experiencing: seating arrangements, giving them more control in their day, allowing for brain breaks, encouraging more time in nature, nurturing friendships. 

Be Curious: Is there something else going on? Is there stress at home? Are they struggling with friendships at school? Are they finding academics gruelling? Is the thought of all the homework they have to do daunting? You may need to be a detective and do some deep digging.

Talk to your child: So often we forget the incredible power of collaborating with our child ( based on the work of Dr. Ross Greene). The next time that  you are in the car with your child and if  they are calm you can say something like: ” I’ve noticed it has been really tough after school. It’s a long day  and when you get home, everything that you’ve been holding together  all day overflows.” Wait to see what they have to say, ask a few clarifying questions and listen. Don’t jump in too quickly . When they are ready, you can say “ I’d really like us to figure out how to make it a little easier for you in the afternoon. Do you have any ideas?”

Listen quietly to see what ideas they may have, offer some of your own, and see if you can come up with a plan together. When I’ve done this with my girls, I’m always surprised with what comes up. In involving them in the process, we are also modelling problem solving skills, perspective taking, empathy, and active listening. We are activating their thinking part of the brain instead of the stress part of their brain.

I think the most important thing that I want you to remember is that you’ve got this. You are your child’s safe place. Slow down. Take a deep breath. See the small child infant of you, not the problem.  The most beautiful gift we can give our child is to be an anchor in the storm. The storm will pass. It always does.