Tammy Schamuhn | October 16

Every parent wants to get to know their child, and every child desires to feel seen, heard, and understood by their parents. Yet, despite this mutual need, we often struggle to engage our children in meaningful conversations or feel unsure about where to begin.

Why It’s Challenging for Adults to Connect with Children

One reason it can be difficult to connect with children is that their brains function differently from ours. As adults, we tend to assume that children think in the same way we do, but their brains are not fully developed. For example, children are much more present in the moment—they don’t focus much on the past or future because their prefrontal cortex, which manages those executive functions, is still developing. In fact, this part of the brain isn’t fully mature until around age 30.

Additionally, children’s right hemisphere—the part of the brain responsible for emotions, movement, play, and creativity—is more developed than the left hemisphere, which handles language. This means children connect through experiences like play, storytelling, and physical activities, rather than through verbal communication alone.

Why Our Questions Often Fall Flat

Parents tend to ask children closed-ended questions, such as “How was your day?” or “Did you have fun at the party?” These types of questions usually result in short, non-engaging answers like “fine” or “okay.” To get more meaningful responses, try asking open-ended questions that spark imagination or tap into the emotional centers of the brain.

Here are some great questions to ask your child:

• If you could have a superpower, what would it be?
• What was the best part of your day? The worst part?
• Tell me about a moment when you were brave or kind today.
• What are you grateful for?
• Who did you help today?
• What do you wish we did differently as a family?
• What do you wish I did differently as a parent?
• What’s something you’re looking forward to?
• Is there anything you’re scared or worried about?
• If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
• If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?
• If you could design your dream day, what would it look like?
• What made you smile today?
• Is there something you’ve learned recently that you think is really cool?
• Who is your favourite character from a book or movie, and why?
• What’s one thing you wish you could teach others?
• If you could change one rule at school, what would it be?
• What’s something that makes you feel proud of yourself?
• What’s one thing that made you laugh today?
• If you could invent anything, what would it be?
• What’s something that makes you feel really loved?
• If you could swap lives with anyone for a day, who would it be and why?
• What do you think makes a good friend?
• If you had three wishes, what would they be?
• What’s something you’re really curious about right now?
• If animals could talk, which one do you think you’d have the best conversation with?
• What’s one thing you’d love to learn more about?
• What’s your favourite way to spend time with our family?
• If you could be famous for one thing, what would it be?

Sharing Personal Stories as a Parent

Humans are natural storytellers, and for thousands of years, storytelling has been a way to pass down history and life lessons. Children love to hear stories about when their parents were younger, as it helps them feel connected and reassures them that they are not alone in their experiences. However, it’s important not to assume that your child is “just like you.” This is especially true with teenagers, who are forming their own identities separate from their parents. Instead of saying, “You’re just like me, so let me tell you what I did when I was your age,” try asking, “Do you want to hear about a time when I felt the same way?” This allows your child to decide whether they want to hear your story.

Should Some Topics Be Off-Limits?

When it comes to global or serious issues, be mindful of your child’s age. Younger children may find such topics overwhelming and developmentally inappropriate, while engaging teens in discussions about current events can be a great way to promote critical thinking.

Building Connection Through Conversations

Engaging your child in meaningful conversations is a wonderful way to deepen your relationship and help them feel truly seen by you. Start with one simple question at bedtime or during dinner, and you may be surprised at how much of a difference it makes.