Child Psych Podcast Episode #117

[Tania] Hello, and welcome to the Child Psych Podcast. I’m Tania Johnson. We are moms, registered Psychologists, and registered play therapists, as well as the founders of the Institute of Child Psychology.

[Tammy] I’m Tammy Schamuhn. Yeah, we are really excited to be talking to you today about nurturing highly sensitive children. We’re hoping to start this podcast with a story about a lovely lady I met on an airplane last night on my way back from a family trip to Mexico. It was the perfect introduction to today’s topic because I actually told her about this episode we were recording. Shoutout to this wonderful grandmother traveling with her three-year-old grandson!

She described him as very sensitive—noises were difficult for him, he was very introverted, and he thrived in small groups. She shared that he was incredibly sweet and kind but struggled with overstimulation from large crowds and loud sounds. At the airport, he accidentally set off an alarm, and at that point, he became inconsolable. We also talked about his sensitivity to textures and how he was a bit of a picky eater. As I described these characteristics, she didn’t seem to think anything was wrong with him, but I reassured her right away that this is simply a temperament. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her grandson. I also mentioned that we were recording this podcast episode and encouraged her to listen in. Tania, this has really become a niche of yours, and I know you’ve interviewed Dr. Michael Pluess about this topic in a previous episode. In fact, we’re doing a follow-up next week on supporting highly sensitive children in schools, so stay tuned for part two of this discussion!

[Tania] This is so exciting because Dr. Michael Pluess is one of the leading sensitivity researchers in the world right now. He will be discussing this topic specifically because highly sensitive children often struggle the most in school—which makes perfect sense for so many reasons. Yet, our teachers often lack the resources to effectively support these children in the classroom.

[Tammy] Well, maybe we should start off by introducing this topic to any new listeners. I don’t remember exactly when you first did a podcast on this, but it might be helpful to revisit the key attributes. I mentioned a few of them when talking with the lovely grandmother I met on the airplane, who was traveling with her beautiful three-year-old grandson. I brought up the term highly sensitive child (HSC) and shared that I have an HSC middle child. My mother and brother are also highly sensitive, though I am not—which is probably a good thing for two business owners who want to stay focused. But maybe you can dive a little deeper into this, because it’s important for everyone to understand that high sensitivity is not a disorder. It’s simply a temperament. Let’s talk about what that means.

[Tania] Beautiful! Yeah, let’s talk about temperament. There’s a lovely way to visualize sensitivity as falling on a continuum, but first, let’s talk about what we see as part of this temperament.

The DOES acronym is often used to describe the traits of a highly sensitive temperament.

1. Depth of Processing – If you are a parent of a highly sensitive child, you will recognize this immediately. These children take longer to process information. They are often slower to warm up but think deeply about what they’ve learned. They may watch a movie and come back a week later, saying, “Mom, I’ve been thinking about that little girl. She seemed so sad. What was happening to her?” Even though they take longer to absorb information, they process it very deeply, especially emotional information. These kids also tend to have a wide vocabulary that often exceeds their years.
2. Overstimulation – If you have one of these kiddos, you’ll know it because they take in so much from their surroundings—the emotions of others, physical sensations, colors, smells, and textures. This sensory overload can easily overwhelm them. When overstimulated, they may either have big meltdowns or withdraw and need time to regulate. For example, even in my own life, after a morning full of meetings, I need time to be quiet—so I might go stretch at the gym just to reset. Highly sensitive kids need that kind of downtime to recharge.
3. Emotional Reactivity and Empathy – These kids feel emotions intensely and are incredibly attuned to the emotions of others. They will notice subtle changes in your facial expressions and ask, “Mom, are you okay? Are you upset? What’s happening?” They pick up on things that other children might miss. My child is like that—she knows immediately when something is off, even if I try to hide it. Their emotions run deep in both directions: they experience profound sadness but also intense joy.
4. Sensitivity to Subtle Stimuli – These children are highly sensitive to details in their environment. This includes physical sensations, like the texture of clothing tags, the seams on socks, or certain food textures. It also extends to emotional subtleties—tiny shifts in someone’s tone or facial expression can impact them deeply.

Highly sensitive children don’t just display one of these characteristics; they tend to exhibit all four—depth of processing, overstimulation, emotional reactivity, and sensitivity to subtle stimuli. These traits combine to form a unique and deeply intuitive temperament.

I think another concept that parents quickly connect with when we talk about sensitivity is the idea of the three flowers. First, we have our dandelion kids—these are the children who can thrive anywhere. No matter the sunlight, nutrients in the soil, or water conditions, they adapt and grow. They are resilient and flexible, able to handle a variety of environments and challenges. I have one dandelion child myself.

[Tammy] Yeah, I’ve got one step in that direction, and one I haven’t quite decided on yet. She shares about half the characteristics of an HSC.

[Tania] And then we have our orchid children. Our orchid children need just the perfect amount of sunlight, water, and nutrients. When provided with the right environment, they absolutely flourish and are exquisite. However, when something is slightly off in any of these areas, they tend to be significantly impacted. So, those are our orchids. We also have our dandelion children. In the middle, we have our tulip children. Research shows that about 30% of our children are orchid children, 30% are dandelion children, and about 40% are tulip children. Tulip children are somewhere in the middle of that spectrum. When chaos or stress increases, or when they’re in less-than-ideal environments, they can move closer to being orchids. But, for the most part, they remain somewhere in the middle. I think it’s also important to note that sometimes there is confusion between introversion and sensitivity. While introversion can be a part of a sensitive temperament, they are not the same thing. With high sensitivity, we are looking for the D, O, E, and S.

[Tammy] Okay, so when you’re parenting Maya versus Una, what differences do you notice as a parent within the context of HSC? I’m in a blended family, so my highly sensitive child’s primary caregiver is her dad. Since I’m the stepmom, her person is my husband, not me. A lot of her regulation comes from him, so I don’t have the same experience as you do in being the primary caregiver to a highly sensitive child. I’d love to hear what that looks like—the differences and the subtleties that come with it.

Understanding Meltdowns in Highly Sensitive Child

[Tania] Yeah, yeah. So we’ll talk about meltdowns because I feel like that’s the easiest place to see it. With my HSC kid—my orchid kid—I find that when she is very upset, she feels her emotions deeply. For her, those feelings are often loud and big, reaching deep into her soul. In those moments, what she needs from me is not to name her feelings because they’re too intense and overwhelming. Instead, she needs me to simply be present in the same room. Since she is incredibly attuned to emotional cues, I have to be mindful of my own ability to co-regulate. If I grimace or my eyes show even a hint of frustration, she’ll immediately pick up on it and say, “Mom, don’t use your angry eyes on me.” She notices everything, so I have to ensure that my body language and breathing create a sense of safety for her. She takes a while to calm down—probably because, for highly sensitive children, emotions can feel like a tidal wave. But once she does, she becomes deeply reflective. Research also shows that highly sensitive kids tend to be introspective and skilled at recognizing where things need to be repaired, likely due to their strong sense of empathy. It takes time, but when she’s ready, she’ll sit with me and say, “I’m sorry, Mom. This is what was happening for me—what was happening for you?” She wants to process everything in detail, but she needs the space and time to get there.

[Tammy] Yeah, I was gonna say, with my middle child—I want every parent to know that these meltdowns, which start off so big and last so long (my goodness, the length!), do get smaller and happen less frequently over time. In the beginning, they are incredibly loud and can last much longer than I ever expected, especially compared to my other two kids. But if you do what Tania suggests—sitting with them, not isolating them, not yelling—because none of those things help—and just being present, they eventually let it out. It’s like releasing steam. There’s really nothing you can say to help in that moment other than simply being quiet and staying in the room. Forty-five minutes later, she does come back, but it’s very gradual. You don’t rush her, don’t look at her directly—just let her come back to you in her own time. Enter the space, but don’t engage right away, because she’s still so raw. Instead, we gently invite her to rejoin us—“Come play a game,” “Come draw with us,” “Come help us cook”—without forcing any conversation about what just happened. I think, sometimes, she feels embarrassed by how big her emotions can get. So, we focus on reintegrating her into the family first, allowing her nervous system to fully settle. Only when she’s completely calm do we talk about it—when she’s ready. Until then, no direct eye contact, no pressure—just patience and presence.

How Parenting Practices Impact Highly Sensitive Children

[Tania] Yeah, what’s so interesting, as you talk about those parenting practices, is that we know our highly sensitive children (HSCs)—as research has shown—tend to fare the worst under harsh and punitive parenting practices. However, when we guide parents toward more restorative and calming approaches, these children actually thrive. It’s fascinating that, even though they struggle the most under harsh parenting, when exposed to reparative and compassionate practices, these kids truly blossom.

[Tammy] Yeah, I know that when we switched our approach to discipline, it was a game-changer. No more yelling—punishment went out the window. It didn’t matter why those old methods were in place; we just realized, and Alan realized, that timeouts weren’t working for her. Whenever possible, I explain why certain rules exist, and that connection makes a huge difference. She does need a lot of rules, though—structure is really important for her. Predictability, too. It’s important for all kids, but with her, knowing what’s coming is crucial. She really needs to know what time things are happening, whether there will be any changes, and if, for example, we’re going out late for dinner. I don’t know if you find the same with yours, but for her, predictability matters so much more than it does for my other two, who are able to just roll with it.

[Tania] Yeah, yeah. And little things for us too—like, we got a new car last year, and we hadn’t gotten a new car in years. We were so excited about it, but Uno was just like, “No, no, no, I like the old car.” They don’t like it when things shift like this. And those are often our sensitive kiddos because they’re picking up on everything around them—anything that changes, any transitions.

[Tammy] The smell of the new car—it doesn’t feel the same when I sit in it. It drives a certain way, and there are those noises. Maybe they’re annoying to us, but they could lean into it. They expected those things to happen.

[Tania] Totally. So we’ve got our HSC, and then on the other side, we have our dandelion kids. You’ve got one dandelion kid, and it sounds like you have a tulip.

[Tammy] Yes, one tulip. He’s all about novelty. Yay, let’s add all the proprioceptive input! Let me move my body in as many ways as possible and add as much color and loud noise to my world. He’ll eventually get tired, like any kid, but he’s fine with dealing with lots of sensory stuff. He’ll seek it out, and then he’ll get tired later and need to be quiet because I think all kids need that eventually. But he’s the opposite. With sounds, smells, and tastes—he’ll eat anything, wear anything. Nothing really bugs him.

[Tania] Yeah, totally. And even in challenging moments with my dandelion kiddo, she wants me to be there. We can talk almost immediately. It’s okay to name her feelings. It’s just a very, very, very different parenting experience. But I would say that when she was younger, she didn’t necessarily have the same deep, reflective conversations afterward.

[Tammy] All kids, yeah. It’s more in the moment. Would you say? Like, turn, and then off we go. What were we talking about? What happened?

[Tania] Exactly. As we talk about transitions and changes being difficult for our highly sensitive kiddos, I think it’s something that if you have a highly sensitive kid, you need to be really aware of. So, what happens between the kid coming home from school and going to an extracurricular activity? We really want to make sure that the environment at home is not overwhelming, that there’s time and space between activities, and that you have a plan in place if activities are going to change. We really need to think about when my child struggles the most, and how do we, in my experience with highly sensitive kiddos, slow things down and quiet things a little so they are ready to take on this deeply immersive experience of the world that they tend to have.

[Tammy] Let’s talk about your kids. I’m not sure if this is a highly sensitive thing, but I noticed my brother was the same way. He’s highly sensitive, so was my mom. Very picky eaters when they were young. Much better as they get older. I’m noticing a huge shift in her eating habits as she gets older—Rosie’s now 11. She started eating all kinds of things, but in contrast to my other two, she’s trickier. I noticed this because my mom’s highly sensitive, and so was my brother. I remember they all struggled with this when they were younger. I’m curious if you’ve experienced that and if you’ve found solutions. I can talk about what I’ve noticed, but I’m curious—since you’ve done a little more research in this area. I bet we have some parents listening who are like, “They won’t eat anything!”

[Tania] Yeah, absolutely. Just from my own experience of having a highly sensitive kiddo and being highly sensitive myself, I think the awareness of other people’s emotional experiences during dinner is very, very high. The moment I could feel, when I was little, that I had upset someone because I wasn’t eating their food, and now I had to eat it—well, now what was I going to do? So you’re dealing with all of this emotional turmoil while trying to rest and digest. A little bit. So what I did with my girls, particularly with Una, when they were younger, was to put out all the different components of the food. So, if we were having spaghetti, we’d put out the meatballs, the sauce, the spaghetti, and the cheese—everything separate. She could create her own combination. I really tried to take my own emotional push out of mealtimes with her, because the moment she felt that, we were just gridlocked. Instead, I focused on how we could turn mealtimes into family time, just sitting down together to talk and eat, rather than it being about eating. This took away some of the pressure.

[Tammy] Yeah, that makes a lot of sense because we saw the shift start to happen with her when we began creating rituals around dinner. We eat almost every meal together. We’re not a family who goes out a ton, and we’re just not huge on extracurriculars. If they do happen, it’s not during dinner time, basically. So, that was a really important thing to ask. Creating rituals, like having everyone say what was the best part of their day, the hardest part, and something we’re grateful for, happens at every meal in our family. It takes the focus away from food, like you were saying. Letting her always dish up her own plate—oh my goodness, no one is allowed to dish up her plate. When we gave her that control, we noticed a shift. She also had a hard time with things touching on her plate. She’s much better now, but for a long time, things couldn’t touch. If her siblings made a big deal out of it, she would completely shut down. So, if she only had to take a bite of something (she didn’t have to finish it), that was fine. We didn’t sit there and watch her do it. It sometimes took a little longer, but that was okay. Again, it’s about turning down the pressure. No one is staring at her while she takes that bite.

[Tania] Absolutely. For anyone with a highly sensitive child, I would recommend Dr. Deborah McNamara’s book Nourished. It’s perfect for all children, but particularly our highly sensitive kiddos. It’s beautiful.

[Tammy] Yeah, I’m trying to think of the other one. I think we’ll talk about school for sure in our next episode with Michael Pluess again. But I found rituals to be key—not just mealtime rituals, but also having rituals in the morning and before bed. Kids really thrive with consistency. That kiddo, if you mess with their routine, it can throw them off completely. It means we have to opt out of things because of this, but keeping a schedule is so important.

[Tania] Yeah. I love that you bring up ritual time. Ritual not only offers a safe container of belonging, but it also cuts down on the overwhelm. Our highly sensitive kids are so aware of relationship ties. So, having this beautiful rhythm and ritual really helps things fall into place. Without it, there’s always tension, and that adds to meltdowns. But with rhythm and ritual, everything feels calming.

[Tammy] We introduced something this winter, after hearing about it from Jessica Joel Alexander. She talks about hygge (cozy family time) in her Danish way of parenting. We introduced this where, after chores and supper cleanup, everyone meets in the living room. The lighting is soft, and you don’t have to read—although a couple of us love reading. Some of us draw, one kid loves cuddling with the dog, and my husband will sit and chat quietly with the kids. Friday movie nights are a ritual now too. My husband also has his bedtime ritual with her—it’s the same every night. He says the same things, and it’s the same with my son. The morning routine is also set. She wakes up, does her things—brushing teeth, making lunch, getting dressed—and it’s quiet. But don’t mess with it!

[Tania] Absolutely. The less rushed it feels, the better. The more decisions you can make the night before, the better. For example, making school lunches the night before and laying out clothes. Decisions can be incredibly stressful for our highly sensitive kiddos. I think one of the biggest challenges for them is their vast emotional worlds. For highly sensitive kids, it’s really important to find an outlet for them. It could be art, music, or connecting them with a therapist (not that they need to see them weekly, but having someone to check in with as they go through developmental phases). It’s essential to help them process what’s happening in their hearts and find a healthy way to express it. Sensitivity is a gift, and our kids often feel something is wrong with them when they see others who seem different. But when they can harness the gifts of sensitivity, they truly become exquisite.

[Tammy] Yeah, I’m not sure what your daughter’s thing is, but mine’s art. Oh my goodness, art is her thing! She also plays sports at school and does piano lessons now and then, but it’s always quiet, one-on-one sessions. When art became something she could give back to others, it really clicked. Her teacher began highlighting her art and framing her pieces, which really sparked something in her. She became a little more extroverted about her artwork, which is very different from my other kids, who don’t have that interest. Finding that thing that makes her unique has been really special for her. It wasn’t that she was necessarily good at art, but her teacher’s focus on her creativity helped her feel like she is an artist. This identity has been crucial for her. Research on resilience shows how important it is for kids to identify with something as part of who they are, rather than just an activity. For her, identifying as an artist was a big shift. It wasn’t about being the best, it was about being an artist. That’s been a huge step for her. Finding those gifts is everything.

[Tania] Beautiful. I love it. Yeah, and I think just to note, because Tammy and I have both been speaking about our daughters who are highly sensitive, that boys, obviously, also—there are lots of boys out there who are highly sensitive. Sometimes I think they may have a harder time due to some of those societal norms, even though the research shows us that there are almost equal numbers of boys and girls who are highly sensitive. So for our boys, they often just need a little bit more nurturing of those gifts so that they feel confident in expressing what’s happening in their worlds.

[Tammy] Yeah, I imagine. I know my brother, it was like that. He was given a very hard time for his sensitivity by my father. You know, we’re not even going to get into the words that were used for that because they were mostly female-associated, negative terms, since he cried so easily and was so easily thwarted. He was very sensitive, but would also notice things more than other kids and really took in so much. And so I think instead of saying it’s a feminine thing—like because they are empathic or artistic—it’s just a temperament piece. And we know for any of you listening, this is actually common across all mammals, not just human beings. It’s the same because what’s the percentage, Tania?

[Tania] it’s about 30%.

[Tammy] yeah, see, Dr. Elaine Aron’s work originally said 15 to 20%. So I think that number has actually gone up. But I always let people know, especially the dads I’ve worked with. I say, you just need to know that cats, dogs, horses, goats, sheep, birds—mammals for sure, I know they’ve done studies with this—are highly sensitive. And we have a few on our property, and gosh, they feel everything. They notice everything.

[Tania] Yeah, so for everybody who’s listening, again, this is just an introduction to our sensitive kiddos. Next week, we’ll be chatting with Dr. Michael Pluess on how to actually manage this in our schools. We also have a full-length course on sensitivity and helping your highly sensitive child, which we will link in the description.

[Tammy] Yeah, and Tania’s going to be presenting on highly sensitive kids at our summit.

[Tania] Yes, yes, yes. Make sure to join us. We always have such wonderful discussions at Siamese on this because it’s one of our live workshops.

[Tammy] Yeah, so you can tune in and listen to Tania talk about this more. But if you’re more of a passive learner and you want the course to keep forever, we do have the course. We’ll put the link below. And if not, tune in for next week for Dr. Michael Pluess and talk more about supporting them in the classroom, which I know was a challenge for us at the beginning. But now she’s doing great in school. Accommodations were made at the beginning when she was really little.

[Tania] Okay, thank you, everyone. Thank you so much.

 

If you want to find out more, we have a wonderful workshop on Highly Sensitive Kids and Tania will be presenting a live workshop on Sensitivity as part of our upcoming, free summit!

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