Child Psych Podcast Episode #148
Protecting Kids from Sexual Abuse: Body Safety, Consent, and Prevention
Introduction
[Tammy Schamuhn] Hello everyone and welcome to our Spring Summit for the Institute of Child Psychology. We are so grateful to have Rosalia Rivera, who is going to talk to us all about body secrets and preventing childhood sexual abuse, and also talk a little bit about consent. She is a consent educator, a two-time TEDx speaker, a sexual literacy advocate, and the founder of Consent Parenting and host of the About Consent podcast. She’s also a CSA—or child sexual abuse—survivor turned thriver. She’s the parent of three children from a family of survivors.
Rosalia discovered how triggering it was to learn about abuse prevention when it was time to educate her own kids. Once she became a mom determined to break the intergenerational cycle of abuse, she dedicated herself to healing so she could overcome anxiety and triggers and teach her kids. Thank you so much for joining us today.
[Rosalia Rivera] Thanks for having me. Thanks for inviting me on.
Why We Need to Talk About Abuse Prevention
[Tammy Schamuhn] Today we’re focusing on prevention—body secrets, red flags, and how to start teaching kids from a very young age about keeping their bodies safe and the basics of consent.
[Rosalia Rivera] Yeah, I love that we’re talking about this because I feel like it doesn’t get talked about enough when it comes to parenting. A lot of parents think this doesn’t happen in their community, within their circle, their school, or neighborhood. But sadly, the statistics point to a very different reality.
One thing that’s been happening in the last 10 years is that one of the types of abuse most parents don’t even think about—peer-to-peer abuse—is on the rise. It’s not just something that happens between adults and children; it’s also happening between children themselves, and for a number of reasons.
A lot of parents believe “not my kid,” what I call the NMK syndrome. Parents think: “This doesn’t happen here, so I don’t need to think about prevention.” Unfortunately, that’s not the reality we’re living in. These rates are rising both in-person and online.
The good news is that prevention education can significantly reduce these risks—almost to the point where, in many cases, we can prevent abuse altogether. Education is one of the most powerful tools we have.
Rising Rates of Peer-to-Peer Abuse
[Tammy Schamuhn] I’ve worked with a lot of kids who’ve been sexually abused, and I’ve noticed a huge shift. For a long time, we thought the risk came from “a stranger in a van.” Then we realized it was often someone trusted—a coach, a teacher, a family friend. But honestly, what I see most in my practice now is peer abuse: at daycares, schools, playgrounds, sleepovers, and playdates. That’s what makes me most vigilant as a parent.
[Rosalia Rivera] Exactly. When I started doing this work about 10 years ago, the peer-to-peer abuse rate I found in the statistics was about 40%. That was shocking at the time because we typically think of abuse as coming from adults.
But recent studies from 2022 show that 70% of abuse is now perpetrated by another child. That number should be concerning. One of the highest rates of peer-to-peer abuse happens between siblings—including step-siblings, cousins, or biological siblings.
The good news is that many of these situations are preventable when we focus on education and prevention. One of the most important first steps is helping kids understand what their rights are over their own bodies.
Teaching Kids Body Autonomy
[Rosalia Rivera] As soon as children start becoming self-aware and learning about their bodies, we need to introduce body autonomy. Teach them that their body belongs to them. That means if they don’t like something happening to their body, they have the right to say no and tell a trusted adult.
This isn’t just about hugs and kisses. It includes tickling, being picked up, having their cheeks pinched, or any physical touch that makes them uncomfortable. Kids should know that they can speak up, and we need to validate their voices when they do.
[Tammy Schamuhn] Yes, and I think a lot of parents are starting to get on board with not forcing hugs or kisses, which is a great start. But we need to go beyond that.
Teaching Boundaries and Consent
[Rosalia Rivera] Exactly. Beyond body autonomy, we want to help kids understand boundaries:
- What boundaries are.
- How to set their own boundaries.
- How to express them.
- What to do if someone crosses them—whether it’s a peer or an adult.
It’s helpful to start simple: “Nobody should push you on the playground.” Then, we expand to conversations about personal space and consent.
One thing I encourage is having a safety word for kids, like “red stop.” Sometimes kids giggle when they say “stop,” so other kids can’t tell if they’re serious. Having a clear safety word makes it obvious when they really want someone to stop right away.
The Dangers of Secrets in Grooming
[Tammy Schamuhn] One thing I’ve seen again and again in my work is how secrets come up in abuse cases. Whether it’s peers or adults, secrets play a huge role. Sometimes there are threats—like “I’ll hurt your family if you tell.” But more often, it’s framed as, “This is our little secret.” How do parents explain this to kids when secrets feel so normal for them?
[Rosalia Rivera] This is so important because secrets are often part of the grooming process.
Grooming starts with the parents. Offenders first gain the parent’s trust to get access to the child. Once they build that trust, they turn their attention to the child—establishing special “bonds” and encouraging secrecy.
It often starts with “fun” or “innocent” secrets, like giving candy and saying, “Don’t tell your parents.” If a child agrees, that tells the offender the child is a potential target. Over time, the secrets escalate.
That’s why we need a “no secrets” rule in families. Teach kids:
“There are no secrets between you and us—ever.”
We also teach the difference between:
- Secrets (unsafe, never kept from parents).
- Surprises (temporary and safe, like a birthday gift).
- Privacy (personal information that you can choose not to share with friends, but parents always know).
Parents should also talk to extended family, like grandparents, and explain why we avoid secrets—even seemingly harmless ones.
Tricky People vs. Stranger Danger
[Rosalia Rivera] We often grew up with the message “don’t talk to strangers,” but 93% of sexual abuse happens with someone the child knows. That’s why we focus less on “stranger danger” and more on recognizing unsafe behavior.
I like teaching kids about “tricky people” instead:
- A safe person never breaks body safety rules.
- A safe person never asks you to keep secrets.
- A safe person believes you and helps you if you’re in danger.
Anyone who doesn’t meet these criteria may be a tricky person—even if they seem nice, friendly, or familiar. Using examples from movies like Hans from Frozen or Loki can help kids understand tricky behavior in a relatable way.
Setting Rules for Sleepovers, Playdates, and Devices
[Tammy Schamuhn] For my daughter’s birthday sleepover, I texted parents clearly: it’s optional to stay overnight, the kids will all sleep in the living room, and we’ll be watching movies together. We also collect devices at the start. You never know what kids have on their phones, and pornography is one of my biggest concerns.
[Rosalia Rivera] Yes, that’s a great example of setting boundaries. Before sleepovers or playdates, parents should ask:
- Where will the kids be sleeping?
- Who else will be in the home?
- What are the rules around devices?
Even when hosting, keep doors open, play in common spaces, and be an “unpredictable parent”—pop in often. These steps create safer environments.
Talking About Pornography and Digital Safety
[Rosalia Rivera] The average age of exposure to pornography is now 9–12 years old, but many kids see it even earlier—sometimes as young as six. Often, it’s another child showing them something on a device.
We need to start talking about this early. Explain that pornography is adult entertainment, not reality, and not meant for children. Teach them:
- Close the screen or walk away.
- Tell a trusted adult right away.
- You will never be in trouble for telling us.
Resources like Defend Young Minds and the book Good Pictures, Bad Pictures make these conversations easier and age-appropriate.
Recognizing Grooming and Red Flags
[Rosalia Rivera] Adults who want frequent alone time with your child are a red flag. Coaches, tutors, and even family members may use positions of trust to gain access.
Pay attention to adults who:
- Spend more time with kids than peers.
- Push for one-on-one time.
- Ask for secrecy or “special time.”
The book Duck Duck Groom offers excellent insights into how offenders manipulate parents and children—and how to intervene early.
Spotting Signs of Possible Abuse
[Rosalia Rivera] If you suspect something might have happened, watch for changes in behavior:
- Regression (bedwetting, clinginess).
- Sleep disturbances.
- Avoiding certain people or places.
- Sexualized play or advanced sexual knowledge.
Create a timeline journal of behaviors. If concerns grow, reach out to a play therapist or art therapist, who are trained to help children communicate through play.
[Tammy Schamuhn] Exactly. Kids rarely disclose abuse directly. Instead, they communicate through small hints, play sequences, or drawings. Pay attention to these subtle signs.
Building a Safety Team
[Rosalia Rivera] Parents can’t do this alone. Talk openly with grandparents, caregivers, coaches, and teachers. Invite them to be part of your safety team:
“We’re teaching body safety at home, and we’d love for you to help us reinforce these rules.”
Framing it as collaboration makes others more willing to participate and builds a united safety network for your child.
Recommended Resources
- Websites
- Books
- I Said No! by Kimberly King
- Good Pictures, Bad Pictures by Kristen Jenson
- Duck Duck Groom by Julianne McCabe
- Podcast
Final Thoughts
[Tammy Schamuhn] This is the number one thing I worry about most as a parent because of how often it happens between peers. Playdates and sleepovers make me the most nervous, and that’s why conversations like this are so critical.
[Rosalia Rivera] Exactly. The goal isn’t to create fear—it’s to empower kids and parents. Education and open conversations truly lower risk and help keep kids safe.
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