[Aliza Pressman] Hi, thank you for having me.

[Tania Johnson] Yeah, so your book, which I just devoured, The Five Principles of Parenting, is actually fabulous. It covers everything. It really does. We’re going to chat about that. It’s just like, if there’s a situation you’re not sure how to handle, I think that the principles cover it.

[Aliza Pressman] I hope so. I was trying to cover as much as possible so that parents could refer back or they could think “how would this apply in any setting.”

Introducing Dr. Aliza Pressman

[Tania Johnson] So before I get too excited, let me do a quick introduction. Dr. Aliza Pressman is a developmental psychologist with nearly two decades of experience working with families and the healthcare providers who care for them. She, as I said, is the author of the New York Times bestselling book, The Five Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans. Aliza is the co-founding director of the Mount Sinai Parenting Center and an assistant clinical professor at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai Hospital.

She’s also, if you’re not familiar yet, the host of the incredible podcast Raising Good Humans. That’s a lot. You’re busy.

[Aliza Pressman] Thank you. My kids are getting older, so thankfully, yeah.

Breaking the Myth of Perfect Parenting

[Tania Johnson] Dr. Aliza, your book, what’s so beautiful about it is it punches this myth of “perfect parenting” that we’re surrounded by all the time and instead guides parents almost with a roadmap on how to deal with, as I said, almost any situation through your five principles.

[Aliza Pressman] Yeah, basically I really just wanted a loose roadmap so that there was enough flexibility to have your own values, your own temperament and your child’s, and that this would just be there for you if things get a little challenging.

[Tania Johnson] The perfectionism aspect, and that’s what I want to focus on today because I feel like this drive to be this perfect parent is so pervasive in parenting today. I’d love to start on your experience of that and how that also shaped what you’ve created in terms of the book.

[Aliza Pressman] I’m afraid that in this really beautiful offering of, like, the world has just gotten bigger and we can reach more people, that there’s something that’s happened with parenting that’s made it feel like to be a good parent is to consume as much information as possible and do everything that you can. Which makes total sense, because we’re raising these beautiful creatures and we owe them.

On the other hand, it’s been a disservice, I think, to both parent and child to have this myth that if you lined up all the information and all the research we have—there’s lots we don’t know, but from what we do know—you couldn’t even do it all if you wanted to, because it’s in conflict. You’d have to pick and choose what matters to you.

What’s perfect for one category of values, let’s say connection, wouldn’t necessarily work if you’re trying to make sure your child sleeps through the night. So you have to make decisions all the time. I think it’s appropriate, it’s developmentally appropriate, as a parent to want to be a perfect parent. And also, it’s not possible and it wouldn’t do your child the service we’re hoping for. So it’s about giving yourself compassion—of course you want to be perfect at this. But being perfect means making mistakes and having lots of repairs.

Trusting Instincts and Avoiding Overload

[Tania Johnson] As you’re speaking, I almost feel like parents have been sort of educated out of what they know deeply. Like this gut instinct: this is how I want to raise my child. This is what I know is best for my kiddo, even if I can’t always do it. But I feel like we’re reading and taking in so much information all the time that we forget that deeply we do know.

[Aliza Pressman] I do think so. I hear people saying, “I know I was supposed to…” and then it ends with something that didn’t feel right for them. That breaks my heart. Then don’t do it! We’re losing belief in ourselves a little bit.

I felt conflicted even writing a book, because I thought, oh my God, am I just adding more to parents’ to-do lists? I tried to strike a balance between giving information but also leaving space for self-compassion and growth. There are things we do know about healthy development, and I think parents are entitled to that. But the “supposed to” voices that don’t fit your values—that’s where we get into trouble.

Social Media and Parenting Pressure

[Tania Johnson] I think about when my mom was raising me—if she wanted parenting guidance, she had to go to a bookstore and buy a book. Now, we’re so surrounded. You just look at your phone and there are a million examples of how you “should” be parenting.

[Aliza Pressman] Exactly. My kids even send me funny memes or sometimes my own Instagram posts with a “might want to take your own advice.” It’s humbling. But it shows that no matter how much we know, we’re still human.

Social media often frames parenting as “do this, not that.” It’s quick and easy to consume, but it’s harmful when it makes parents question themselves constantly. That erodes confidence, which is something children need from us.

Connection Over Perfection

[Tania Johnson] In our drive for perfection, when we stop listening to ourselves and stop giving ourselves compassion, I think we actually create a bigger chasm with our kids.

[Aliza Pressman] Yes. I remember a mom who planned the perfect beach picnic after getting her child back from time apart. But her son wanted to watch ants on the sidewalk. She pushed to stick with the plan, and it ended in a battle.

When she finally sat with him and looked at the ants, they reconnected. In trying to create the perfect day, she almost forgot to connect. Sometimes sitting on the couch watching a silly show with popcorn is better connection than a curated “perfect” activity.

Repairing Relationships

[Tania Johnson] One of your principles is repair. I feel like that’s one of the hardest parts of parenting.

[Aliza Pressman] Repair has been around in research for decades, and it’s directly tied to secure attachment. Just like muscles grow through small tears and healing, relationships strengthen through rupture and repair. Mistakes are part of building secure attachment.

Many parents avoid repair because they think it undermines authority. But really, repair is just reconnection after disconnection. It builds trust and resilience.

Self-Compassion in Parenting

[Tania Johnson] You’ve already mentioned self-compassion. Parents hear the term, but often wonder, how do I actually do that?

[Aliza Pressman] Repair starts with self-compassion. If you can’t reconnect with yourself, it’s hard to reconnect with your child.

A practice I recommend is simply pausing, placing your hand on your heart, and taking a deep breath. Remind yourself: “I did the best I could in this moment.” Self-compassion shapes the voice your child will carry into adulthood.

Final Words of Encouragement

[Tania Johnson] For parents listening today, what final encouragement would you give?

[Aliza Pressman] Practice stepping back. If your child is emotionally and physically safe, let things unfold without fixing every struggle. When we over-fix, children may start to feel incapable. Allowing space helps them grow resilience—and gives parents more ease and room to breathe.

[Tania Johnson] I love that. Everybody listening, if you want to find out more about Dr. Aliza Pressman, we’ll share links to her podcast, book, and social media. Dr. Aliza, thank you for sharing your wisdom today.

[Aliza Pressman] Thank you so much for having me. It’s a big honor.