Child Psych Podcast Episode #155

Raising teens can feel like riding an emotional roller coaster — one minute you’re laughing together, and the next, you’re the “worst parent ever.” In a recent Child Psych Podcast episode, Tammy Schamuhn sat down with Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, pediatric psychologist and author of Love the Teen You Have, to unpack what’s really going on beneath the eye rolls, slammed doors, and deep sighs.

The Teenage Years Are About Separation, Not Rejection

Dr. Lockhart reminds us that teens and toddlers are mirror stages of development. Both are learning independence — the toddler says, “I do it!” while the teen says, “You don’t get it!”

This push for autonomy is part of healthy brain and emotional development. Your teen’s desire to challenge your ideas or question family rules doesn’t mean they don’t love you — it means they’re learning who they are.

Reframe rebellion as practice for adulthood. Their growing independence is Mother Nature’s way of preparing them to leave home one day.

When Teens Push Back, Stay Curious — Not Controlling

It’s easy to react when your teen rolls their eyes or mutters “bro” under their breath. But these small defiant moments often hide overwhelm, exhaustion, or unmet needs.

Dr. Lockhart suggests shifting from telling to asking:

• Instead of “Why are you so messy?” try “What’s hard about keeping your room clean right now?”
• Instead of “Did you finish your homework?” try “What’s your plan for finishing your homework tonight?”

This curious, collaborative approach invites problem-solving instead of power struggles — and helps your teen feel seen, not judged.

Your Nervous System Matters Too

When your child’s tone gets sharp, your body reacts. You may feel threatened or disrespected — and your nervous system goes into fight-or-flight. Dr. Lockhart explains that this is often what drives nagging and over-controlling behaviors, which are really anxiety in disguise.

Before responding, pause and check your own state. Take a deep breath. Regulate yourself first so you can co-regulate with your teen.

Her acronym REACT helps parents notice their triggers:

• R: Rough tone
• E: Emotions running high
• A: Attacking language
• C: Conflict escalation
• T: Tension that lingers

When you find yourself in a “REACT” moment, pause and shift from reacting to responding with intention.

Connection Over Correction

Nagging may temporarily get compliance, but it erodes trust. Instead of making it you vs. your teen, make it you and your teen vs. the problem.

When we approach challenges as partners — “How can we make mornings smoother?” rather than “You’re always late!” — we protect the relationship while still setting boundaries.

As Dr. Lockhart says, “Your teen is not the problem. You are not the problem. It’s you and your teen versus the problem.”

Authenticity Builds Safety

Every parent will say something they regret or react too strongly — it’s inevitable. Repairing the rupture is what matters most.

If you’ve drifted apart from your teen, start with honesty:

“I’ve noticed we’re not connecting like we used to. I’ve been short with you, and I miss you. I’d like to try again.”

Even if your teen meets this with silence, you’ve planted a seed of trust. Apology and vulnerability invite healing.

As Dr. Lockhart puts it, “Authenticity builds safety.”

Prepare Them to Launch, Little by Little

A parent’s ultimate goal is to raise an adult who can think critically, make decisions, and seek help when needed. That means gradually handing over responsibility — from managing homework to handling devices to making appointments.

As Tammy noted, “We can’t throw them to the wolves without practice.” The process of scaffolding — slowly giving your teen more freedom and accountability — helps them build confidence and independence before they leave home.

See the Emotion, Not Just the Behavior

When your teen shuts down, lashes out, or withdraws, ask yourself: What might they be feeling underneath this?

Often, the real emotion is fear, sadness, or social overwhelm — not defiance. If you can tune into that, your teen will begin to feel understood, and that’s when connection deepens.

Final Thoughts

Parenting teens is not about perfection — it’s about staying in relationship, even through conflict. As Dr. Lockhart reminds us, “Perception may not be reality, but it’s their reality.” When we honor our teen’s inner experience, even when we disagree, we build trust that lasts well beyond adolescence.

Learn More

You can pre-order Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart’s book Love the Teen You Have here and explore more resources on raising emotionally healthy teens through the Institute of Child Psychology.