Child Psych Podcast Episode #140

[Tammy Schamuhn] Hello everyone and welcome to the Child Psych Podcast. My name is Tammy Schamuhn and I am the co-founder of the Institute of Child Psychology. I’m a child psychologist and a mom to three amazing kids. We’re really excited today to have Lindsay Sealey with us to talk about the idea of Super Girl Syndrome.

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Lindsay is an educator, academic strategist, bestselling author, and the founder and CEO of Bold New Girls, an organization that supports social-emotional learning and academic development. With degrees from Simon Fraser and San Diego State University, she brings over 15 years of experience to her work with girls and young women. Her books—including Growing Strong Girls, Rooted, Resilient, and Ready, Made for More, and Supergirl Syndrome—have won accolades like the Eric Hoffer Medal and the Nautilus Book Award. She’s also a contributor to HuffPost and The Globe and Mail, often speaking on confidence, perfectionism, and girls’ mental health. Welcome, Lindsay.

[Lindsay Sealey] Thank you so much. It’s so nice to be here.

What Is Super Girl Syndrome?

[Tammy Schamuhn] I read your newest book this week—and I’ve read a few of your others too. Your work is not new to me. As I was reading, I thought, “You’re describing my childhood and even my adult womanhood.” It reminded me of Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg and those same pressures—especially on women. But your book looks at where those pressures begin. So how do you define Super Girl Syndrome?

[Lindsay Sealey] First, I want to credit Peggy Orenstein’s Girls and Sex, where I first heard the term and was immediately drawn to it. Orenstein explores how femininity, patriarchy, and media representation shape girls, pushing them to overachieve, multitask, and people please—while sidelining their emotional expression. Super Girl Syndrome, in simple terms, is the pressure girls feel to be all things to all people, all the time. It’s like carrying a boulder on their shoulders. That pressure may come from society, family, peers, or community, but ultimately it becomes internalized. It’s relentless.

[Tammy Schamuhn] Yes. I loved your quote: “She’s polished, pleasing, placating, performative and perfect, but underneath she is exhausted.” It resonates so deeply—especially for mothers. It’s like we’re supposed to be good moms, excellent at our jobs, great partners—all while looking like it takes no effort. So where does this start?

[Lindsay Sealey] That’s the kicker. It’s not just that we have to do everything—it’s that we have to make it look effortless. Don’t look tired, don’t talk about your anxiety, don’t show your real self. I feel this myself, and I see it constantly in the girls and women I work with. They’re overwhelmed and exhausted. And that’s when we see the rise in anxiety, or the burnout that looks like procrastination. They just stop because it’s too much.

Where the Pressure Comes From: Social Media, Society, and Self

[Tammy Schamuhn] So based on your work, where does this pressure originate? I know for me, there were clear expectations—achievement from my family, being “put together,” but also traditional gender roles. My brother never got comments on how he looked or what he wore.

[Lindsay Sealey] It’s multifaceted. Culture, society, family, peers—and then ourselves. It’s pressure from every angle. But I think it’s more visible now because of the intensity of social media. When I was in school, I had 30 classmates. Now girls are performing for thousands—millions, even. Social media has magnified everything.

[Tammy Schamuhn] So with platforms like Snapchat and TikTok, it’s like they’re always on stage—curating their appearance, their activities, their life for others’ approval.

[Lindsay Sealey] Exactly. Girls are seeing others succeed, look perfect, get likes—and they want that too. That’s not necessarily bad, but it becomes a performance. One of the pressures I describe is the “good girl persona”—she looks great, makes the right choices, says the right things. But underneath, she’s disconnected from her true self. And that’s the root of anxiety. She’s not allowed to be messy or flawed or real.

[Tammy Schamuhn] So there’s no space for authenticity. They can’t show the vulnerable parts. And that creates a feeling of being unseen and unsafe.

[Lindsay Sealey] Exactly. And ironically, the pressure increases. Now she has to maintain this persona. But where is her silly, angry, frustrated self? I call it the “whole girl” approach—where we validate all parts of her, not just the shiny ones.

Why Girls Struggle Differently Than Boys

[Tammy Schamuhn] I have both boys and girls. I want this message to reach boys too, but girls seem to carry this pressure more. Why is that?

[Lindsay Sealey] Boys and girls are wired differently. Girls’ brains are more socially attuned—they’re wired to connect. So they care deeply about belonging, fitting in, and being liked. If they sense they need to change themselves to be accepted, they’ll do it. It’s a survival strategy. But again, at what cost?

[Tammy Schamuhn] That resonates. Boys are more wired for competition and standing out, but girls tend to value harmony, even if it means suppressing their authenticity.

[Lindsay Sealey] Exactly. And they get confusing messages—“Be confident,” but not too confident. If they feel good about themselves and say it aloud, they risk triggering someone else’s insecurity. So they filter everything and learn that self-deprecating language is more socially acceptable. But again, that undermines self-worth.

How to Build Authentic Confidence and Resilience

[Tammy Schamuhn] What can parents do at home to support their daughters’ self-confidence and reduce perfectionism?

[Lindsay Sealey] Start small. The relationship between parent and child is everything. If your daughter feels unconditionally loved and accepted at home, she can begin to internalize that message. I encourage conversations that welcome her whole self—her silly side, her angry side, her vulnerable side. Show her she’s lovable as she is.

[Tammy Schamuhn] I love that. I sometimes do an exercise where girls draw a circle, divide it into puzzle pieces, and label each with a part of themselves—light and dark. We talk about how even the parts they see as “bad” often have value or purpose.

[Lindsay Sealey] That’s beautiful. There’s a reason behind every behavior. Even something like lying can be an attempt to protect themselves. So we validate the instinct, then guide them toward healthier choices. Instead of snapping, we can get curious: “Why did you lie? What were you afraid of?” That creates connection, not shame.

Strategies to Boost Confidence and Tame Perfectionism

[Tammy Schamuhn] What are a few go-to strategies you recommend to caregivers?

[Lindsay Sealey] For confidence, start with what she’s already good at. Celebrate those things—sports, friendships, chores, whatever it is. I love the idea of a “confidence jar” where she writes down things she’s proud of. Then we build on that by encouraging her to do hard things—step-by-step, with support. That’s how confidence is earned.

[Lindsay Sealey] For perfectionism, again, start by validating it. It shows high standards and effort. Then, help her explore why she feels the need to be perfect—is it internal, social, or family-driven? From there, introduce “perfectly imperfect” experiences—baking messy cookies, doing a silly dance class. Show her that joy doesn’t have to be perfect.

Creating a Foundation of Unconditional Love

[Tammy Schamuhn] That reminds me of something I told my son recently. He was shocked when I said I’d love him even if he weren’t good at soccer or school or being kind. I said, “You’re loved no matter what.” And it struck me—he didn’t fully realize that yet.

[Lindsay Sealey] Exactly. We live in a world that praises performance and productivity, so it’s easy for kids to think love is conditional. But we can course-correct by being explicit: “I love you because you exist. Nothing more is required.”

[Tammy Schamuhn] That message is so powerful—and it’s never too late to say it. Lindsay, thank you so much for being here. For listeners, Lindsay’s newest book Supergirl Syndrome is linked in the podcast description, and you can find all her work on Amazon or her website. It’s such a gift to have you with us today.

[Lindsay Sealey] Thank you so much for having me.