Child Psych Podcast Episode #168

In this sneak peek of our masterclass at the Institute of Child Psychology’s Children’s Mental Health & Parenting Summit, we had the pleasure of speaking with toddler expert and author Devon Kuntzman, and the conversation was such an important reset for parents in the toddler years. If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by tantrums, whining, hitting, or constant power struggles, Devon offered a compassionate and science-informed lens that completely reframes what’s really going on in toddler behavior.

The biggest shift? Toddlers are not trying to be difficult. They are still learning how to be human.

Toddler Behavior Is Communication, Not Defiance

So many parents enter toddlerhood thinking discipline means “getting my child to listen.” But toddlers do not yet have the brain development for consistent impulse control, emotional regulation, or flexible problem-solving. The part of the brain responsible for those skills is still under construction.

When a toddler melts down over the “wrong” cup, hits when frustrated, or whines endlessly, it often looks like misbehavior. In reality, it is usually:

• Big emotions with no skills yet to manage them
• Disappointment and lack of control
• Overwhelm in the nervous system
• A need for connection, not correction

Discipline is not about stopping behavior. It is about teaching the skills that make better behavior possible over time.

Control Is an Illusion (and Fighting for It Creates More Struggles)

Parents often feel like if they just find the “right” consequence, everything will fall into place. But toddlers are wired to explore independence. They are discovering they are separate people with their own will. That developmental drive is strong.

When we approach discipline from a place of trying to control, we often end up in exhausting power struggles. The more we push, the more they resist.

A more effective approach is influence through connection, clear limits, and teaching. That is where real cooperation grows.

The Three Ingredients of Developmentally Smart Discipline

1. Connection

Before a child can learn, they need to feel seen and safe. During a meltdown, less talking is more. Your calm presence, simple validation, and steady body help their nervous system settle.

“You’re so frustrated.”
“I’m here.”

That connection is what helps them come back to emotional balance.

2. Limits and Follow-Through

Connection does not mean permissiveness. Toddlers need limits to feel safe.

“You’re mad, but I won’t let you hit.”
“We’re not having another cookie.”

When limits change under pressure, children learn that bigger emotions lead to getting their way. When limits stay steady, children learn safety, predictability, and self-control.

3. Teaching Skills

The real teaching happens after the storm.

This is when we practice:

• What to say instead of whining
• How to ask for a turn
• What to do with angry energy
• How to repair after hurting someone

Toddlers are not born knowing these skills. They learn through repetition in calm moments.

Feelings Are Welcome. Hurting Others Is Not.

We are gentle with feelings, but firm with limits.

We can accept anger, disappointment, and frustration while still stopping hitting, biting, and kicking. When we punish feelings, children learn to stuff them. When we guide feelings and set boundaries around behavior, children learn emotional intelligence and self-control.

Why Sharing, Whining, and Sibling Conflict Are So Hard

Toddlers are in an egocentric stage. “Mine” is developmentally normal. Forced sharing can actually undermine empathy and impulse control. Instead, we coach turn-taking and help children practice waiting.

Whining often shows a child who is dysregulated or lacking the language to express needs. They need support to calm first, then guidance on how to ask.

Sibling conflict is also a skill-building arena. When we move from being referees to coaches, children learn problem-solving and repair instead of just fearing punishment.

The Goal Is Long-Term Growth, Not Short-Term Compliance

If we focus only on stopping the behavior, we may get quick obedience but miss the deeper learning. When we focus on connection, limits, and skill-building, we are raising children who:

• Understand their emotions
• Can handle frustration
• Solve problems
• Repair relationships
• Develop real resilience

That is the long game of parenting.

Want more practical tools like this?

Our conversation with Devon Kuntzman is just one of many powerful sessions inside the Institute of Child Psychology Children’s Mental Health & Parenting Summit. You will learn from leading experts on anxiety, behavior, emotional regulation, attachment, ADHD, and more.

✨ Join us for free and get access to expert masterclasses designed to give you real tools you can use right away.

👉 Sign up for the free summit here and start feeling more confident in your parenting today.

Summit Registration- Spring 2026