Child Psych Podcast Episode #152

(Inspired by our conversation with Devon Kuntzman, Founder of Transforming Toddlerhood)

Toddlers are not tiny adults. Toddlers are emerging humans learning to manage big feelings with a still-developing brain. When we shift from “stop the behavior” to “understand the need,” everything changes. This season of parenting is not about control—it’s about connection, curiosity, and co-regulation.

The Toddler Years: A Foundation for Emotional Health

Toddlerhood lays the groundwork for self-regulation, resilience, and healthy relationships. Instead of bracing for the “terrible twos,” treat these years as a magical window to discover who your child is becoming. Each week, try naming one new thing you’re learning about your child’s personality, interests, or strengths.

From Power Struggles to Shared Problem Solving

Stress often spikes when a child’s growing autonomy challenges our sense of control. Pushing harder usually escalates the battle. The shift comes when we ask, “What can my child choose here?” Offering small, safe choices—like which cup, what shoes, or where to sit—helps your child feel capable and heard.

“Slow to warm” kids may need extra time before engaging with new people or settings. This is not shyness to fix but a temperament to honor. Instead of labeling, narrate: “You’re checking things out. We’ll go at your pace.”

Behavior as Communication

Big behaviors are usually messages in disguise. A tantrum over dessert or clinginess at a party often signals overwhelm or a need for safety. Start with connection before correction: “I hear you really want dessert. Tell me more.” Once your child feels seen, limits land more gently.

Connection is not permissive—it’s the doorway to cooperation. You might say, “You love dessert. It looks yummy. We’ll eat dinner first. Let’s choose your piece now and save it.” Limits create safety, but overusing “no” can invite pushback. Instead of constant negatives, frame boundaries with structure: “Dessert is after dinner. Your slice is right here waiting.”

Keeping Calm Through Conflict

When a meltdown hits, remember your job: set the limit, follow through, and support feelings. Your child’s job is to test, react, and then accept the boundary. When tears start, remind yourself, “This is the accepting part happening.”

Whining, hitting, or hurtful words are all forms of communication. Rather than tuning out or taking it personally, translate what’s underneath.

• Whining: “I hear you want it right now. Is it loud in here? Do you need a snuggle first?” 
• Hurtful words: “You were mad about the limit. Next time you can say, ‘I feel mad.’ I’m here with you.” 
• Hitting: “Hands are not for hitting. I’ll step back to keep us safe. You can push this pillow while we calm down.” 

Your Calm Is the Shortcut to Their Calm

Children borrow our nervous systems. When you stay steady, you lend them your calm. Tell yourself, “This is not an emergency.” Step outside, open a window, take three slow breaths, sip water, and name five things you can see.

At family gatherings, prepare your slow-to-warm child ahead of time. Preview who will be there, what will happen, and where they can take a quiet break. Arriving early helps them settle before the crowd. Bring comfort anchors—like a lovey or familiar toy—and name its job: “Teddy helps your body feel safe.”

Teaching and Repair

Teaching new skills happens after calm returns. Role-play for a few minutes the next day: practice using a “talking voice,” asking for help, or squeezing a pillow instead of hitting. Keep it light and brief.

Change takes time. Give new strategies at least two weeks before judging if they “work.” After tough moments, reflect: What worked for me? What worked for my child? What will I try again next time?

And remember: everyone has messy moments. Repairing afterward is what builds trust and resilience. Try saying, “That was hard for both of us. I love you. Next time I’ll slow down and listen first.”

Final Encouragement

Your child doesn’t need a flawless parent—they need a steady one. When you connect first, set clear limits, support feelings, and repair when things go off the rails, you’re building lifelong emotional health. Practice makes progress, not perfection. You’re doing better than you think.