What to do When a Child Lies

Child Psych Podcast | Episode #108

Tania: Hello and welcome to The Child Psych Podcast. I’m Tania Johnson. Tammy: And I’m Tammy Schamuhn.

[Tania] We are the co-founders of The Institute of Child Psychology. We’re also registered play therapists. Tammy is a registered play therapist supervisor, and between the two of us, we are moms to five gorgeous kids.

[Tammy] Yeah, and we are so excited to be talking with you today about something that comes up for every single parent on the planet. You are not alone in this — we’re talking about what happens when your child starts lying to you.

Understanding why Children Lie – A Developmental Perspective

[Tammy] This topic is highly triggering for a lot of parents. For me, lying was the only reason I was ever spanked as a child.

[Tania] I can relate. When I think back on my childhood – even though I wasn’t spanked – any instance of lying was a massive trigger for my parents. It often led to a timeout or something being taken away for a long time.

[Tammy] Oh, yeah. Honesty was a big value for my family too. But we know so much more now about child development and what is normal in terms of behaviour during the preschool years.

[Tammy] Today, we’re going to share that knowledge with you. We’ll talk about the top four reasons why kids lie, what to say to them, and how discipline fits into this process. Parents want to handle lying well but also hold their kids accountable, which makes sense — we all want to raise responsible, honest children.

[Tania] Absolutely. Maybe we should start by explaining how lying is developmentally normal for young children, and then move on from there.

[Tania] When our kids are very young, around one or two years old, their thought process is very simple. Imagine little speech bubbles above their heads. At this stage, they think everyone’s thoughts are the same as theirs. If they think the juice is in the fridge, they believe Mommy thinks the juice is in the fridge, even if Mommy knows it’s not. By about three, and definitely by four, many children begin to realize, “Oh, this is interesting. I can say something different from what Mommy or Daddy is thinking, and they might actually believe me.” This is part of the individuation and separation process. It’s developmentally appropriate, and it’s how kids learn that their thoughts are separate from ours.

[Tammy] Yes, and research backs this up. For example, a study from the University of Waterloo found that four-year-olds lie about once every two hours, while six-year olds lie once every hour.

[Tania] That’s incredible.

[Tammy] It is. In fact, 96% of young children lie. That leaves only 4%, and even then, I wonder how researchers were sure they didn’t lie! Adults lie too — studies show we lie one to two times per day on average.

[Tammy] We need to cut kids some slack because, if you think about it, we often exaggerate small things ourselves. For instance, you might say, “Oh yeah, I just watched two episodes of Netflix,” when in reality, you watched five. These slight shifts in perception feel inconsequential to us, but when our kids do something similar, it’s as though we magnify it under a microscope. As parents, this often triggers feelings of betrayal, insecurity, or fear. We worry about what might happen if the lying continues — what if they get into trouble, and we can’t help them because we don’t know the truth? Sometimes, we may even feel indignant, thinking, how dare you lie to me after everything I do for you. These reactions often reflect insecurities about our parenting, even though lying is simply a normal part of a child’s developmental process. When children lie, they’re exploring the realization that what goes on in their head is different from someone else’s, and they’re experimenting with this concept.

[Tania] Over time, this behaviour changes. For example, research shows that seniors lie less than adults, suggesting that by the time we reach old age, we no longer feel the need to lie. It seems lying is part of our survival instincts, and while adults are often clever with their lies, children lack the cognitive sophistication to craft believable ones.

[Tammy] Kids lie for concrete reasons:

To Avoid Punishment: The primary reason children lie is to avoid consequences. Young kids, in particular, struggle to differentiate whether they’re being punished for the act they committed or for the lie itself. This makes it important to address consequences carefully, as overly harsh responses may lead to more lying out of fear.
To Avoid Shame or Disconnection: Children often lie because they want to avoid feelings of shame, the fear of a spanking, or the fear of separation from their caregivers. Research shows that the more parents rely on punishment rather than discipline, the more likely children are to lie.
To Avoid Hurting Feelings: Like adults, kids lie to protect someone’s feelings. For example, a partner might say, “You look great today,” even if the outfit isn’t their favorite, simply to show care and kindness. Children learn this behavior and replicate it.
To Embellish or Fulfill a Wish: Sometimes children lie because they wish something were true. If they knock over a glass of milk and say, “I didn’t do that,” they’re often expressing regret, as if to say, “I wish I hadn’t done that.” Their imagination also plays a role; they may exaggerate to make a story more exciting or to feel seen and valued.

[Tania] These reasons are all part of their developmental journey. For instance, my youngest child, at age six, told her sister, “I just saw Santa’s sleigh going past the window,” even though it didn’t happen. This kind of wishful thinking and imaginative storytelling is normal at that age.

Addressing Lying with Connection and Compassion

[Tammy] When I first became a stepmom, I noticed my stepdaughters often lied, especially during the first year. This was a result of a prior parenting style that involved yelling, blaming, and shaming for mistakes. They were terrified of being yelled at, and we had to completely revamp our approach to discipline. The key was creating a safer, more understanding environment. By changing the narrative and consistently showing that mistakes are okay, the lying significantly reduced. For example, I often said, “You’re not in trouble for accidents, they happen. Your responsibility is to help clean it up.” This consistent messaging helped the kids feel safer and less inclined to lie out of fear. By shifting our focus from punishment to connection, we can guide children toward honesty without damaging their sense of security. And they couldn’t articulate this. It’s not like they could say, “I don’t want you to yell at me.” Even though they were 10 and four, you could just see it in their eyes. It was almost like a trauma response. They were terrified that a female, especially me, was going to yell at them. There’s a lot to unpack here, and I don’t know, Tania, if you want to add to this, but I can share what I said to my kids when I had to—maybe not reprogram them—but help deprogram them.

[Tania] Yeah. You know, when I think back on the times, I noticed it most with my children, it was probably with my foster kids. For them, it was more a sense of survival. When they told certain untruths, it was a way to keep themselves safe. Even in situations where they didn’t need to protect themselves, they still felt the need to lie for safety. For me, honestly, it required a lot of work outside the specific lying incidents. I had to repeatedly reassure them, “You are safe. You are loved. You can share things with me, and you will not be hurt or punished.” There was so much work that had to happen outside the situations to help them feel safe in those vulnerable moments when they lied.

[Tammy] That’s such a good point, Tania. Thanks for sharing that. I think, as parents, we sometimes realize—or feel it in our gut—that our kids are lying because we’ve yelled at them, spanked them, or maybe another parent or caregiver has done so. In Tania’s case and mine, we were reprogramming some narratives that existed before we stepped in. I think we need to put consequences aside for a moment and focus on the relationship, cultivating a sense of safety for our kids. They need to feel they can tell the truth without fear. Sometimes it’s not even about physical harm but about emotional disconnection. Kids fear losing their attachment to us or not receiving love, which is a scary thought for them. We all want to raise honest, responsible children with integrity, and that’s completely understandable. But the first priority should always be the relationship and the child’s sense of safety.

[Tania] Absolutely. In our house, we emphasize honesty as an important value. But we talk about it outside of the moment, in everyday conversations. It’s about connection, vulnerability, and being honest. We also share examples from our own lives. For instance, I might say, “Oh, Mommy forgot to submit a report on time, and I had to tell the team.” These small examples help demonstrate honesty without turning into a lecture.

[Tammy] Totally. I think it always starts with us. We have to model the attributes we want to see in our kids, including how to correct mistakes when they happen. So, what do you do when your child lies? I really like a strategy from Dr. Laura Markham, a colleague of ours. I first read it on her blog, and it’s such a lovely approach. Her first step is: Don’t ask, tell. For example, if your child is about to eat dinner and you’ve asked them to wash their hands, and they say they already have— when you know they haven’t—don’t ask, “Did you wash your hands?” Instead, just say, “You need to go wash your hands.” Oh, yeah. Hand washing is one of the most common reasons my kids lie. They’ll say, “Oh, I washed them,” but you can tell they didn’t. The second step is to recognize the wish. Say something like, “I know you wish they were already washed because you don’t like doing it, but you still need to go wash them.” The third step is to keep your limit strong. If they still resist, gently insist, “This is the rule before dinner.” Avoid launching into a speech about lying or saying things like, “How dare you lie to me!” That reaction will only make kids want to hide their mistakes more. So, that’s one way. Don’t ask, tell. Recognize the wish, and just set some limits around what you’re asking.

[Tania] I love this approach because, in mainstream parenting, we often do things differently. For example, if someone puts Sharpie on the wall, and we know it was our child—they were the only one home—the typical response as parents might be, “Did you put the Sharpie on the wall?” or “Who put the Sharpie on the wall?” even when we know it was them. In those instances, we’re essentially setting them up for failure. I love that this method is so direct: “You drew with Sharpie on the wall. How are you going to fix it?” Or, if they’re little, you might say, “Here’s a magic eraser to clean it off.” The idea is not to set our kids up for failure but to focus on accountability and problem-solving.

The Importance of Modeling and Repairing Relationships

[Tammy] This is just one method I’ve used, but I’ve also approached things by being upfront. For instance, I remember a situation where I saw my kids spill something on the carpet. This was early in my relationship with my stepdaughters, and I was still new to this parental role. I looked at them wide-eyed and said, “I think someone spilled the milk.” Of course, they immediately started saying, “I didn’t do it!” But I responded with, “You’re not in trouble for accidents. Things happen. You’re only responsible for fixing it.” Then I added, “I can help you. Let’s clean it up together.” I consistently reinforced this idea for about a year, repeating things like, “Mistakes are okay. Mistakes are okay.” A funny thing happened recently—proof that this approach works! We were pulling out of the driveway over the weekend, and I forgot something. We were running late, and my son, Aiden, chimed in from the back seat, “Mom, mistakes are okay. You’re a human being.”

[Tania] I couldn’t help but smile because it’s working.

[Tammy] He likes to remind me of this, especially when I criticize myself for making a mistake. This mindset has become second nature in our family. When mistakes happen—whether it’s spilling something or breaking something—we focus on how to make it right. If my kids hurt someone’s feelings, I teach them how to repair the relationship instead of simply punishing them. Accountability is the goal. What’s more helpful than punishing a child is teaching them the correct way to take responsibility and repair the situation. For example, if they hurt a sibling’s feelings, we guide them on how to apologize and mend that bond. Ultimately, this is what we want—to nurture their ability to take accountability and grow from their mistakes.

[Tania] Totally. As you think about that example, I also think about the relationships our children witness. It’s so important. I’ll give you an example from our side. About a week ago, my husband and I, who very rarely have, how do I put this, more energetic arguments in front of the girls, had one. It’s okay to argue in front of your kids as long as they see the repair afterward. We want to argue well—we don’t want to completely, you know, um, what’s the word? Cut the other person down. It’s okay for them to see us argue, as long as they also see how we repair. But this particular argument was more energetic, stemming from a misunderstanding. The girls were in the back of the car, so they heard everything. When we got home, my husband and I took some time and space to cool off. Then, we sat down with the girls and said, “You know what? Sometimes misunderstandings and mistakes happen. What happened between Mom and Dad wasn’t okay, and we wanted to sit down and talk to you about it.” Even in those moments, they learn that it’s not just about Mom and me or Dad and me and where they might misstep. They see that misunderstandings happen between Mom and Dad too—and they also see how we make it better.

[Tammy] Those repairs are so important because they happen in all relationships— with our spouses, with our friends—and we model that for our kids. First, we model it, then we do it with them, and eventually, they will start repairing things on their own. At this point, my kids mess up, and they just fix it. That’s been my number one discipline strategy. Especially when it comes to getting kids to stop lying, it’s important not to jump straight to punishment. If we punish—which essentially means to inflict harm—they will escalate the lying to avoid punishment. For me, it’s about emphasizing, “You’re human, and in our family, when we make a mistake, we do our best to fix it.” And that’s it. We address the issue, fix it, and let it go. One common mistake parent make is turning incidents of lying—especially when kids start lying around age four—into long, drawn-out therapy sessions. At that age, their brains aren’t ready for adult-level conversations. Once we’ve addressed the issue and taught them how to make it right, we follow the three steps Laura Markham mentions: Don’t ask, tell. Recognize the wish. Set your limits. Then we drop it. There’s no need to rehash or revisit the issue. Excessive language only overwhelms kids. A simple, consistent redirect repeated over time will create the neural networks in your child’s brain that encourage truth-telling. It takes a few years, but you’ll start to see a decline in lying by age six. At that point, the lying will start to diminish. You might notice a little embellishment, but it’s not the same as the behaviors you see between ages four and six. That’s been my experience with kids.

[Tania] I agree. Another thing about kids aged four to six is that they’re still very, very concrete thinkers. While six-year-olds still enjoy concrete ideas, children in this age range, for example, might respond in a very literal way. Let’s say I tell them, “We’re going to go swimming at 1:00,” but when we arrive, the pool is closed and doesn’t open until 3:00. A child in that age range might say, “You lied! You said the pool would be open!” To them, anything that doesn’t align perfectly with reality feels like a lie. Of course, in this situation, it’s an honest mistake. As they grow, we start to introduce concepts of lying and truthfulness, but it can be tricky because their understanding is so concrete. For example, they might say, “Mommy lied about swimming.” In those moments, we can explain, “Sometimes things don’t work out the way we expect.” This starts to introduce more abstract concepts. Around age six, you’ll notice a shift as they begin to grasp these more nuanced ideas.

[Tammy] Which is great because it means they’re starting to differentiate. They’re also beginning to hold us accountable by saying, “You’re holding me to this standard, so what does that mean for you?” I specifically remember my son asking me one time, “Do adults lie?” He had lied and was trying to normalize it for himself—to understand that he’s human. I replied, “Yes.” Then he asked, “Why? Why do you lie? Don’t you always tell me the truth?” The look on his face was one of genuine curiosity, and I thought, Oh my goodness. We had a discussion about how sometimes even adults tell small lies to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, and sometimes that’s better than being completely truthful in those moments. Of course, coming up with examples for that was tricky. I wouldn’t tell my kids, “I never lie,” because eventually, they might catch me in a small embellishment. Instead, I would say, “In our family, we try our best to be honest as much as we can, but everyone makes mistakes, buddy.”

[Tania] Research shows that as kids get older, small lies tend to increase as a way to save face or avoid hurting someone’s feelings. For example, “Yes, Grandma, I love your cookies,” even if they don’t actually love those cookies. So, you’ll see those kinds of lies become more common as kids grow.

[Tammy] I hope this is helpful to everyone. It’s a tricky thing, but you’re not alone. All kids will go through this stage—and adults do it, too. Don’t forget, you’re human as well, and these moments happen every day.

[Tania] The biggest message we’d love to share is to tread gently with your kids. This is normal developmental behavior. Keep asking yourself: