Child Psych Podcast Episode #171

Based on a recent conversation on the Child Psych Podcast with therapist and author Rebecca Geshuri, we explored a truth that so many parents quietly carry but rarely say out loud:

You can love your children deeply and still feel like you are failing.

Rebecca, a licensed marriage and family therapist trained in Internal Family Systems (IFS), shared a powerful idea:

There is no such thing as a good mom or a bad mom. There are moms with parts under pressure.

If you have ever snapped at your child and thought, What is wrong with me?
If you have hidden in the bathroom, shut down emotionally, or lost yourself in your phone just to cope…
If you have gone to bed replaying the day thinking, I messed this up again…

This conversation was for you.

When parenting feels overwhelming, it is often not about willpower or character. It is about the different parts inside you that are trying to help you survive.

Let’s break this down in a way that makes sense for real parents.

What Is Internal Family Systems and Why Does It Matter for Parents?

Internal Family Systems, or IFS, is a therapy model that says we all have different “parts” inside us. These parts hold emotions, beliefs, and survival strategies we developed over time.

One of the most relieving messages from this framework is:

Nothing inside you is bad. Every part of you is trying to help, even when it creates problems.

For parents, this is life changing. Instead of saying:

“I am a terrible mom.”

You begin to say:

“A part of me is overwhelmed.”
“A part of me is really angry right now.”
“A part of me just wants to escape.”

That small shift reduces shame and opens the door to real change.

The Three Main Parts That Show Up in Parenting

Managers: The Over Functioning Parent

Managers are the parts of you trying to prevent things from going wrong. These are common in highly invested parents.

They sound like:

• “I have to do this perfectly.”
• “I should know better.”
• “I need to stay on top of everything.”
• “I cannot mess my kids up.”

Managers often show up as perfectionism, people pleasing, over scheduling, researching everything, and constantly trying to be a better parent.

They are not trying to control everything because you are “too much.”
They are trying to keep you safe from pain.

Firefighters: The Parts That Take Over When You Are Done

When managers get overwhelmed, firefighters rush in.

These are the reactive parts. Their job is to stop emotional pain fast, not neatly.

Firefighters can look like:

• Yelling or snapping
• Shutting down emotionally
• Numbing out with food or screens
• Doom scrolling for an hour
• Avoiding everyone
• Rage or harsh words you regret

These parts are not trying to ruin things. They are trying to put out an emotional fire.

Exiles: The Younger Hurt Parts Inside You

Underneath managers and firefighters are younger parts that carry old pain.

These parts often hold beliefs like:

• “I am not good enough.”
• “I am too much.”
• “No one listens to me.”
• “I am not safe.”

Parenting often wakes these parts up. When your child ignores you, rejects you, yells, or struggles, it can hit an old place inside you that felt unseen, powerless, or alone.

That is why your reaction sometimes feels bigger than the situation.

Why Parenting Triggers You More Than Anything Else

Parenting is a mirror.

Your child’s big feelings, defiance, fear, or anger can activate parts of you that were never allowed to have those feelings.

For example:

If you were not allowed to say no as a child, your child’s boundary setting can feel intolerable.
If you grew up in chaos, your child’s emotional meltdowns can feel threatening.
If you were shamed for mistakes, your child’s struggles can make you feel like you are failing.

Your reaction is not random. It is connected.

How to Tell If You Are Triggered or Just Tired

All parents get frustrated. That is normal.

But it may be a deeper trigger when:

• Your reaction feels out of proportion
• Your body floods with intensity
• You yell or shut down quickly
• You feel shame afterward
• You feel like you are a “bad parent” afterward

That is often a sign a younger hurt part got activated.

The Goal Is Not Perfection. It Is Your “Inner Mom” Leading

IFS calls the calm, grounded core of you the Self. In this parenting framework, it is helpful to think of it as your Inner Mom energy.

This is the part of you that is:

• Calm
• Compassionate
• Curious
• Clear
• Connected

When this part is leading, you have more space. You can respond instead of react.

Kids feel safer when this part is present. They do not need a perfect parent. They need a regulated one.

A Simple Way to Slow Down When You Are Activated

When you notice you are overwhelmed, try this:

SLOW

S – Soften your body
Notice your breath, jaw, shoulders.

L – Listen inside
What am I actually feeling? What do I need?

O – Open your heart
Get curious, not critical. “Of course this part is struggling.”

W – Wait for insight
What is this part afraid would happen if it did not react?

This helps you unblend from the reaction and let your Inner Mom step forward.

If You Feel Like You Have Already Failed as a Parent

You are not alone.

So many deeply loving parents carry shame about yelling, losing patience, or checking out. But shame is not the truth. It is a signal that something hurts.

Under shame is often grief. Grief for what you did not receive. Grief for how hard this is.

Parenting is not a test you pass or fail. It is a relationship you grow in.

It is never too late to reflect, repair, and respond differently.

The Most Important Takeaway for Parents

You are not your worst moment.
You are not your yelling.
You are not your shutdown.
You are not your scrolling.

Those are parts trying to help you cope.

When you understand your parts with curiosity and compassion, you create more room for connection, regulation, and healing, for both you and your child.

And that is what truly changes families.